Brandon the Magnificent!

Hello all! It is time for another post from your favorite gorgeous tragedy, Kat! Today's post is a very special one and one where I will be talking about a specific person who has taught me a very meaningful lesson. This person, this man has shown courage and pushed aside his fear to share his story. Now it's time to reveal the identity of this special guest...

Kotetsu!? ...alright then...

*sigh* No, it's not Kotetsu but he does remind me of our post's special guest. This man is a security guard at the museum and has been through a lot. He recently posted on his Facebook wall, sharing the pain he's suffered with for the past month or so. I don't know the details of what happened to him to cause him such pain but I know it's something that has taken a toll on him. To be perfectly honest, a part of me knew that he was hurting or that something had occurred in his past which caused his pain. It was his eyes that gave him away, there was so much emotion in his eyes that really made me want to give him the biggest hug ever! However, I hadn't talked with him very often so I felt like that would just be odd. "Hey, I know we haven't talked much and you probably don't know what my name is but you look like you need a hug." Yeah, I'm sure that is going to go over real well...

So, I didn't say anything and just left it alone. I mean if it was something that occurred in the past I didn't want to bring it up and then be forcing him to re-live it all. But I didn't realize just how much he was suffering until I read his post. I read every line and each word hit me like a ton of bricks because I knew exactly how he felt. Well, I can't say "exactly" since I have no idea what he is dealing with. But as I had told him, I do know pain and I know what it's like to feel like you're drowning. I know what it's like to feel so smothered that you can't breathe, the times where you are trying so hard to hide your pain that you literally feel sick. I have felt it and I know how hard it can be to talk about your feelings with everyone.

That was one of the hardest things for me to do, talk about my feelings with my family and friends. I wanted to be strong for them, I didn't want them to suffer because of my pain. So, I locked my heart away and cried on my own. I kept telling myself, "It's alright... I can stand up again all by myself, even if I'm all alone... I will survive." I was just reinforcing my silence by telling myself that I don't need anyone, I can handle it all by myself. But I was wrong, you can't survive the fight alone. And it's okay to ask for help so you can get through the pain. And that is exactly what Brandon did, he made his pain known, he was finally able to talk about the pain he has been suffering with. That alone proves that he is on the right track, and things are only going to get better because he now has a strong support system. He has friends, family, and co-workers who will not hesitate to give him a shoulder to cry on.

Brandon really is a magnificent person, his post reminded me to let others in and ask for help. That I can't stay silent about my pain, his post reminded me of why I held on for so long. My grip will not weaken, I will hold onto my life. My story isn't over, it's only just beginning and so is Brandon's. A new chapter in his life is starting, a chapter of healing and happiness that he deserves. Brandon is not a good man, he is a great man! I know this for a fact, he helped me get through a panic attack which I was so grateful for. He didn't judge me, he just kept me company and told me that I was fine and that I can take my time. Just that small little comment means the world because that gives me reassurance that I have control. I can decide how much time I need to calm down, I don't have to rush... I can take MY time.

Despite all the wonderful things Brandon's post has reminded me of and has done for me, his courage will help countless others. It's not just me his courage is reaching, there are others who have opened up to him about their own pain, others that have taken inspiration from this act of bravery. That is why I wanted to write about him in today's post, because it's an act that we all can learn from. If you're struggling in life, don't remain silent! Speak up and talk about your own story, you're not alone in this world! There are so many good and kind people who will stop what they're are doing and listen to what you have to say. People who will hold you in their arms and tell you that everything is going to be okay, people who will remind you to hold on to your life. Not only does speaking up bring loving, supportive people to your side but it also inspires others to seek out that same support.

Brandon, if you ever read this post I want you to know that every word, every thought is genuine. I will be eternally grateful to your courage because I know now that I can be courageous too. That me speaking up about my own story and sharing it with the world will not only make a difference in my life but in others as well. You really are a great man and deserve to be happy, to have someone that is going to give you so much love without expecting anything in return. Someone who wants to help you just because they can, because they know it'll help bring you one step closer to being happy. Again, thank you for having the courage to share your story!

Double thumbs up to you for being so awesome!

 And so ends another post by Kat, I hope you all cried... tears of happiness because that's how awesome this post is! I'll be writing again soon, See You Tomorrow!

Is the rubber band helping?

"....whhhyyyy?...."

I know what you're thinking, "Oh my god, she's back...," but no need to worry. Things aren't as emotional today and thanks to the rubber band technique, I didn't have a panic attack while riding the bus! How amazing is that, I had only just started to utilize this technique and it's already helping me out a lot. I'm thinking that as I continue to utilize this tool, I will be able to stop hating and being so hard on myself, helping with my disorganized speech/thoughts and will reinforce good positive thinking/behavior. 

For those of you who aren't familiar with the rubber band technique, I will explain but it's super easy and simple. 

"That looks like it hurts... why would you do that to yourself?"

 A good question, one does this to adjust/correct a behavior or way of thinking. In my case I self-hate a lot, by using this technique I can stop this hateful talk and instead replace it with a positive comment about myself. I am using this for a number of reasons, first the disorganized speech which is interfering with my performance at work, the panic attacks, the binge eating, and of course the self-hating. At any point throughout the day, if I start to hate on myself, feel anxious, trip over my words or have the urge to eat, I will snap the band on my wrist. This is creating a negative association with the bad behavior and then I need to replace the negative with a positive behavior. So let's say while working on this blog I start to think to myself, "You're stupid, there's no way anything is going to change." That is when I snap the rubber band on my wrist and tell myself, "No, you're smart and loving, you are going to turn over a new leaf and things are going to get better!" 

And I must say that it has been quite useful so far, I've used it already when I start to stumble over my words or when my brain gets stuck and it works! Though I will say, depending on who you are and how your body reacts to it, the rubber bands bruises the inside of my wrist quite easily. But then again, I was snapping the rubber band all day yesterday due to anxiety concerning my work review coming up.I ended up re-doing my self-assessment form after I had received the concern about my disorganized speech. I then felt that my previous ratings were too high, which the majority was 3 (only average). None of my ratings went above a 3 but after receiving a talk with my supervisor, I convinced myself that I wasn't worthy of my 3 rating. Don't get me wrong I still have a couple of 3's but the majority is now 2's which is below average but not a 1, the failed rating. Perhaps I was too hard on myself, maybe the majority shouldn't have even been 3's since I do try to go above and beyond for not just my customers but for my fellow employees. Maybe I'm trying too hard...I think I'm trying to hard to prove to my supervisors that I can be an employee that they can count on. 

Most often I don't feel like my supervisors even like me let alone believe that they can count on me. This makes me feel like I'm not doing enough or that I'm a disappointment to them. Either way, it's making me super stressed. But it's not just that, I feel like none of my co-workers really like me. However, I've only been working here for 3 and a half months, so I don't expect to be close with anyone yet. I have even been invited out by some of my colleagues but I've never gone, I always just give some excuse as to why I can't go. The problem is that I feel like I'd be the third wheel, that I'd have nothing exciting to talk to them about (you know, lack of social life and all), and that they only invited me as a courtesy kind of thing. That is something that I have to correct as well, me jumping to conclusions and assuming the worst in people.   

All in all, I have to say that I am thoroughly impressed with how well this technique is working so far and I would recommend it to anyone else who is trying to correct negative behavior/thinking. I had tried other things and it just hadn't work for me, so anyone who has tried and been unsuccessful so far...consider giving this a try. I'm not saying it works for everyone nor that it's going to have quick results. Correcting a behavior/thought that has become normal for someone is difficult to transform into one that is positive. That is why I will say again, that this will take time. Don't expect to see results in a couple of days and stay with it. If you stop because you aren't seeing the results then you probably won't ever see them. Any kind of treatment, whether it's with a rubber band, medication, etc, is going to take time to start having a noticeable effect.

This treatment also works well for anyone who has problems swearing at home, public or at work. If you curse, simply snap the band against your wrist and replace the swear word with a more appropriate show of frustration, pain, sadness, etc. 

"Whoa, language! She doesn't need a rubber band but a muzzle might do."

Yeah, if you're this bad when it comes to cursing...well you might be out of luck....

Hypothyroidism

For today, I want to discuss Hypothyroidism which is what I believe to possess. It was already made clear to me from my mother that I probably have either Hyper or Hypothyroidism. She stated that she had already suspected because I tend to do the same thing as she does when I try and explain something but I ramble on and on, stumble over my words, or I switch from one topic to another frequently. This is referred to as disorganized speech: fragmented thinking, trouble concentrating and/or maintaining a train of thought. She said that because I'm displaying the same mental symptoms, she is 90% certain that I have hypothyroidism. But I still had my slight hope that, "I've never been tested so I'm sure I don't have it, that's just my personality." However, recently I was made aware by my employer that this has become an issue for some of our customers. Mostly because my train of thought will ramble on and on because I'm lacking that cue to stop and dial it down. Therefore, it appears to my supervisors that I'm being unprofessional with the customers. This hit me really hard because I'm so proud of my job and I love working here and I don't want to risk being fired because of this.

So I decided to do a little research on this so that I may better understand this condition. I display all symptoms of Hypothyroidism, not even half of the symptoms...all of the symptoms. I have the weight gain, the reoccurring depression, inability to concentrate, memory problems, hair thinning, anxiety, irritability, and etc. It hit me even harder because I do not have health insurance and therefore can not go and take the tests to find out for sure if I have it or not all because I can not afford it. I have been struggling with this and trying to figure out how to control the disorganized speech but haven't had any luck. But because it's now interfering with my performance at work, I am desperate to find a way to deal with it. What I am now trying is the rubber band method, basically you wear a rubber band on your wrist and if the undesired behavior begins to occur you snap the band to relate a negative feeling with the behavior. Therefore when my brain gets stuck or rambles on, I will use the rubber band as my cue to move along or stop. I'm hoping that this will help with my performance at work because I really do love working at the museum.

I think that the rubber band technique will not only help with the disorganized speech but will also help me when I'm upset, angry, or anxious while I'm at work. However, since I have a performance review coming up I've found myself to be even more anxious and panicked. I keep having this thought in the back of my mind that review is going to be poor and I'm going to be let go and replaced. That's one of the reasons why I need to find out for sure if I do have Hypothyroidism or not, because I believe it is illegal for them to fire me because of psychological symptoms that are common in individuals that have Hypothyroidism.

Another part of me has been worried because I feel that my supervisors think I'm just giving them a psychological reason for it so I won't be fired or get into trouble. But I know I shouldn't be worried because I am telling them the truth, I'm not self-diagnosing and saying I do have this but that there is a chance that I most likely have it since I display all symptoms and I have medical family history of thyroid disorders. Yet despite me knowing that I am telling them the truth, it doesn't make me worry any less which is probably why my hair has thinned out quite a bit. Which only makes things worse since I already have self-esteem issues and have convinced myself that I'll never fall in love, never get married, and never have children. So everything is just starting to pile up on top of one another and I can't physically stop it, I can't control this and that drives me crazy. I hate not having control over something. Don't misinterpret that statement, I'm not controlling and want everything to do what I want, I just feel comforted knowing that if something goes wrong I have the ability to fix or prevent it.

Yup...You're loca, chika!

Okay, I am not crazy but I guess I can see how I could possibly come across that way. However, it still doesn't make it right to call me crazy! Geez, sometimes this caption character can be so rude! Anyway, I'm going to keep my fingers crossed and hope that the rubber band technique will help me keep in control until I can get proper treatment for this.

Thanks for letting me post about my worries/troubles and for being so understanding. Like I always try to say in my posts, please be encouraging to your friends and family who are struggling with any of these kinds of issues: weight gain, self-esteem, depression, anxiety, etc., etc. I'm sure you're all aware how difficult it can be to tackle these kinds of issues alone, so please make sure anyone you know that is having a hard time knows that you're there for them. That they are not alone and will always have someone to lean on for support.

See You Tomorrow!

Human Wolf....Spotted!

Attention, a human wolf has been spotted in Ohio, around Downtown Akron, running in and out of traffic!

Where is there any traffic in this picture?

I'm just messing with you, there obviously aren't any werewolves running around through the streets of Downtown Akron...but how cool would that be!? Anyway, the purpose of this post is just to elaborate on why my blog is now titled "Life of a Human Wolf." I would first like to say that I'm obviously a human and I don't believe myself to be anything different. But the wolves are my favorite animal and I have learned so much from the wolf. At times I'd say that I have the personality/behavior like that of a wolf. I treat my family as my pack, I will defend them with my life and I'm loyal through thick and thin. It's not just me who thinks I display their behavior either, my best friend and my family members have said that I'm like the pup watcher of the family. The pup watcher, as I'm sure most of you know, is the wolf in the pack that watches the young pups of the other wolves when they are away. The pup watcher is usually the 1st to teach the pups about survival and is usually considered one of the most aggressive wolves in the pack. Why? They watch all the pups, developing a bond, and when someone threatens the pack...they're threatening the lives of each one of her pups.

I'd say I fit that description, I absolutely adore children and at family gatherings...9 times out of 10 I am the one watching and entertaining the children. To the children, I'm like a big kid who still likes to play and have fun but is responsible and demonstrates good life lessons in my games. A good example is the game "Ghost in the Graveyard," basically there is one child who is the ghost hunter and the rest of the children are the ghosts in the graveyard. The point of the game is that when the "ghost hunter" is not looking at you, the children that are the "ghosts" dance around and make faces at the "hunter." If the "hunter" catches you moving, then you're the new "ghost hunter." The lesson I share with the children is this: There will always be someone who talks or makes fun of you behind your back and you won't always know who it is. You can look and look all day long but once you look their way, they will put on an act. They pretend that they aren't doing anything, that they haven't done anything to hurt you in any way. However, when the "ghost" is caught by the "hunter" and they're it, this symbolizes that those who do wrong will receive their just desserts. Whatever you send out will come right back to you, three times as worse. This is what we call...karma. Now that the previous "ghost" is the new "hunter," they now know how much it hurts to have someone making fun of you behind you're back.

Moving along, I've always referred to the children I watch often as my own kids. I've never once said, "my cousin's kids;" they've always been "my kids." Because that's how often I watch them, that's how deep a bond I have with each of them. If anyone ever tried to hurt them, you can guarantee that the protective wolf in me would come out and let their attackers have it. I also find myself desiring the freedom to live in the forest, away from civilization, to live with just my family. I also find that I prefer the night rather than day. During the day, I find I'm less active and excited when the sun goes down and I can see the moon. I would definitely say I'm far more active at night, it gets so bad sometimes that I'm up throughout the entire night and sleepy during the day.

There are several more factors as to why I'd say my personality is closer to a wolf than anything else in nature. I wouldn't even say my behavior would be considered "normal" to most people. Whenever my best friend would try to wake me in the morning, I'd always growl in my sleep and turn away from her. She'd always yell at me to "stop that growling and get out of bed." I always thought she was joking when she'd tell me that I'd growl at her. But I realized she was being completely honest, one day we were sitting in the dining hall at our college (mind you, I always get frustrated when she's right and I know I'm wrong) and without even realizing it, I was growling at her because I was frustrated with her. She pointed it out to me, "hey, you're growling at me again... I told you that you growl at me." It wasn't just her but some of my classmates noticed that I'd growl when I'm frustrated with anything. I was working on a project for a class and was so frustrated with it, I had my arms on the table (folded across one another) and my head set on top. I just sat there staring at the project and was quietly growling but it was loud enough for my classmate to hear. She then asked, "Why are you growling at your project?" I snapped back to it and glanced over to her, "what are you talking about? I'm not growling." And there are several more occasions where this occurred...

Anyway, I also have a strong bond with the wolf. It is the wolf that has helped me through so much and has allowed me to better myself as a person. I have learned several lessons from the wolf and that is probably why my personality/behavior is similar to a wolf. I have been influenced by them, by their behaviors in dealing with family, strangers and all kinds of different situations. I'm glad that I am so attached to the wolf and that this beautiful creature has become my favorite animal and wise teacher.

So to reiterate, I am in fact a human but a human whose life has been influenced/changed by the wolf. So much so that my behavior reflects that of a wolf, which is why this blog is titled, "Life of a Human Wolf." I realize that this sounds strange and I certainly don't blame you if you don't understand but I do expect that you give me the respect I deserve as I will do the same for you.

Gaia, The Puff Ball...

Hello once again to my "faithful" readers! So I figured it was time to give you an update on my cat and her baby. Well, they're both doing fine, the momma has a good appetite and she is back to her normal behavior...besides the occasional over-protective mother that pops out every now and then. Anyway, we decided to name the baby Gaia and from the looks of things it seems like she is going to have a VERY light colored coat. You see, Sierra is a unique calico because usually calico's and their patches are solid in color. Sierra has tiger stripes in each one of her patches rather than having solid colors. So that in itself is a unique pattern for a calico to have but as many of you may know, a calico with a light coat and no dark colors is a rare coloring. Therefore she would be considered a dilute calico. "Dilute," as you have already guessed, simply means the color is less intense. It takes a complex and confusing combination of genetic markers to create a dilute calico. A short explanation: A dilute calico must inherit three specific genes; a mosaic gene which allows two basic colors to be expressed instead of only one, the dilute markers (cream and blue meaning a soft-reddish color and a light gray rather than a more intense red and black). They also need to inherit a "white spotting" gene which causes parts of their coat to be white. It is only when all three of these genes are present that a calico will be diluted. Since the basic or dense colors are dominant, most calico cat's have a dense coloring instead of dilute, even if they carry the dilute gene. It takes the expression of the recessive dilute genes to create a dilute calico. Color combinations you tend to see in a dilute calico are: white, blue (gray) and cream; white, lilac (dilute of chocolate but looks lighter than the blue coloring) and cream; or white, fawn (beige, dilute of cinnamon) and cream.

The picture above would be what a dilute calico with the white, blue (maybe lilac) and cream coloring looks like.

Gaia has gotten so big in just 6 days and from the looks of it, I'd say she is going to have a white, fawn and cream coloring. She is extremely light, even lighter than our previous cat Noel who was also a diluted calico (white, blue and cream). It's because she is so light that I believe she will have this color combination.

The image above shows what a white, fawn, and cream calico would look like. I'm pretty sure this is what Gaia's coloring will be except it looks like that Gaia has more cream/white and will have patches of the fawn (the darker shade). Refer to the picture below.

This is Gaia, the puff ball!

 So think about it for a second, dilute calico's are rare... now what about a diluted calico that has an even lighter coloring than what you would see in most dilute calico's (white, blue and cream). I'd say that Sierra has got some nice genes, if the little baby boy had survived he would also be rare as most calico cats are female. It also seemed to my mother and I that the little boy would've had the same unique coloring as his momma Sierra.

Irregardless, I am happy to report that both Sierra and Gaia are doing just fine. They are both happy and healthy kittens (Sierra is only 9 months old). I am so proud of Sierra, she has been doing so well in caring for her little girl and is never away from her for very long. Gaia is a very well behaved little kitten, she hardly ever cries (but she can be loud when she wants to ^.^) even when her momma is away from her. She'll just cuddle up in the bed and go right back to sleep. If her momma is away for too long (which she hardly ever is) then Gaia will start crying. I can't wait to see how Gaia will grow up and what her coloring is going to end up looking like.

Sierra and her 6 day old baby girl!

Hope you all enjoyed reading this post, I will continue to update on how things are going with Sierra and Gaia, there will also be pictures (I assure you!) See You Tomorrow!

Problem in Love

Hey, how's it goin? So you're probably wondering about the oddball title and how this has to do with my weight loss mission. Well, i"m not so sure it really does have anything to do with the objective at hand but it's something that has been weighing on my mind and it's about time I wrote it down. Today I want to talk about love, it's been a topic that always strikes a nerve for me but that's why I need to get it out through my blog. I want a relationship, to be loved, supported and to be held in someone's arms and I want to give that same love back. I've known that I've always wanted a family, even when I was very young I knew that I wanted to be someone's wife, to have kids and raise them to make a difference in this world. It's not some recent thing that came out of nowhere, it's a want that I've had in my heart for a long time. However, in my particular case...I've never been in a relationship. Why? Because most men can't see past my weight, it's not like I can blame them. Most men aren't attracted to women who are overweight but I see women my size... women who are even bigger than I am that have a beautiful relationship. So, where's mine? Why don't I get to have a happily ever after? One never fully realizes just how unfair life can be, there are plenty of women who get to have a marriage and kids but they're just really bad people. Then there's me, I'm a good person, I have good morals, I'd give my life to save another, I'm great with kids, a good cook, I want to make my husband happy when he comes home (I'd of course expect the same courtesy), I love my family dearly, I'll stand by my friend's and family's side through thick and thin, I won't hesitate to speak up when there is an injustice, I'm usually the first person to hold the door open for you, the first to say hello, ask how your day is and genuinely mean it. Yet not once have I ever been in a relationship and seen for the beautiful person that I am (...at least on the inside...).

So a part of me thinks to myself, "maybe you're just meant to live your life alone, maybe you're not meant to have children." I mean everyone tells me that there is other ways to have kids, you don't need a man to be a mother. But the part that frustrates me most about that is the fact that they don't realize that I don't have those options. I don't have the money to be inseminated, artificial insemination usually costs $300-500 per attempt and the typical success rate is 10-20% (meaning 5-10 attempts may be required.) You also have to take into account the testing they will have to do to see why you are unable to conceive naturally, which could be another several hundred dollars. Then if you can go through with the insemination, you will have additional costs, such as: donor sperm being screened for sexually transmitted diseases, sperm washing, which is always necessary, can cost up to $100, ultrasounds which cost about $300 each, and your fertility drugs; they can cost as less as $100 or could cost up to thousands of dollars depending on the medication and the dosage. Just a rough guesstimate, not taking into account how much the tests cost, how much medication you take and without knowing how much the screening of the donor sperm is...that comes to at least $800 and that would probably be considered a good deal. So that option is completely out of the door for me. Then usually people will tell me,"well if you can't do that the you can always adopt." First off, the price of adoption varies and depending on how you adopt it can range from $0-30,000. Secondly, I would be single and it's extremely hard for a single mother or father to adopt a child. Most places don't even accept applications from individuals who are single and plan to raise the child alone. It is due to the belief that for proper growth and mental development, a child should be placed into a home with a mother and father. So there are often times when a single parents application (if accepted) will be put on the back burner while agencies look for a home with two parents.

Would you say that's fair? Because I sure don't think it is and I'm sure most of you are aware that for a couple it can take years before they can adopt. Agencies have to come in and do a home check to ensure that your home would be a safe and proper place for a baby to be raised. So if it can take years for a couple to adopt...the what about a single mother or father who wants that same thing, to be a parent and raise a beautiful child. I mean the cost alone can send hopeful people like me packing but then the bias of a child not developing properly in a single parent home isn't fair, that there should be two parents. With these kinds of prices and these kind of biases, it almost makes me want to go and be promiscuous and just get pregnant from a one night stand. Is that what it takes? I can't be in a relationship and have a child with the man I love (the preferred way I'd rather do things), I can't go and be inseminated and nor do I have the adoption to adopt. So my only option is just to go sleep around with strangers and hope I get lucky...?

But the thing is, despite how much I'd like to have a child and be a mother, I refuse to have a child with a man I do not love and I wouldn't want my child to grow up wondering why she doesn't have a father in her life. What do you tell your baby? Oh, well no one wanted to be in a relationship with your mommy so I decided that I'd do it all by myself. I mean it works for most people, they tell their babies, "because I wanted your precious soul in my life, I decided I would do whatever it takes (even if I have to do it alone) to find my little one." That sounds completely amazing to me but I know how many children growing up with a single parent feels. You're constantly looking around and seeing children who have both a mother and a father, you tend to always ask yourself why you don't have a dad but the other kids do, you tend to be the only child whose parent doesn't come to school to talk about their job because you're only parent has to work to feed you, keep a roof over your head and clothes on your back. Don't get me wrong, we love and admire our mothers and fathers who raised us all on their own but there is always that question...what if? What if I had a mom and dad? Would my mom be happier? Would we constantly worry about money? Would that emptiness I feel be filled? So many questions that could never be answered for a lot of kids.

That's why I feel like that I just couldn't do it alone, because I know the pain, fear and frustration of growing up with only one parent. Therefore, I don't think I could live with myself if I allowed my child to go through the same feelings that I had struggled with. So, I had decided a long time ago that if I was never to fall in love and marry that man I fell so deeply in love with then I wouldn't ever have a child. I only want to have a child with the man that I love, truly and deeply, and I want my child to have both parents in their life. If I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone then it'll be just like that...alone. I will not bring a child into my world of loneliness and force them to live like me, a pieces of themselves missing. Me without a partner who loves me with all of his heart (and whom I love with all of mine) and a child without a father who loves them with all of their heart. That makes for a very lonely life but it's alright... I can stand up again all by myself. Even if I'm all alone... I will survive.

Just because I'd be alone doesn't necessarily mean that I won't be happy in life, I can live alone and still be happy. I'm still learning on how I would do that because as of right now, the thought of not having that chance to be a mother and bring a child into this world kills me. So I still need time to adjust to the idea of never being a mother or a wife and allowing that to sink in. Once I do that then I can focus solely on my career and finding joy elsewhere. I can find joy in volunteering with animals and teaching children about art (which is my passion). Working in a field I love and getting to teach children (which is another passion of mine, I love working with kids) allows me to find joy in life and helps me in filling that piece of me that I know that I'll be losing. Even while writing this out and thinking about never having the chance to bring a baby into this world, I feel like a part of myself is slipping away and my heart feels like it's being weighed down.

I remember that I was told by a very dear friend that I was meant to be a mother, that I had such an incredible motherly instinct and that my love for kids was unmatched. She said that she knew, deep down in her heart, that I am supposed to be a mother to someone. That my job in life wasn't necessarily working with art or as an artist but was to raise and teach a beautiful child all about life. That I was meant to raise a child who would make a difference in the world because that's how I would raise my children. I would raise them with the knowledge and belief that they could do anything they set their mind to and that they could change the world for the better. I still believe that, that there are men and women in this world who were just meant to be mothers and fathers and that there are individuals who aren't meant to be.

Anyway, I'm still proud of myself. I have family and friends who can tell that I've lost weight which makes me really happy. Not only have I been losing weight ( therefore I will look good and feel better) I have also been fighting the urge to binge eat despite all these negative emotions that I'm struggling with. That in itself is an amazing accomplishment because that means I'm gaining control over my binge eating disorder and using my stubbornness to fight and take back my life.

Sorry again for the emotional blog post but it's not everyday that you can have that freedom to get such strong feelings off your chest. I'd also like to say thank you to one of my readers, I received an email from a very kind gentleman who assured me that everything will be okay and that I would make a wonderful wife. Then he informed me that anybody else who thinks otherwise is just blinded by their ignorance. It was wonderful to receive such nice words and to know that my posts are being read.

Talk to you soon!

Nothing wrong with wanting a family! ^.^

Update on the Cat

Hello again, I want to apologize for my depressing post yesterday. I probably should've waited until I was more clam, cool and collected. It's never wise to write when you have something fresh weighing on your shoulders.

Talk about crazy....

Yeah, yeah I'd say I seemed a little bit crazy at that point in time but hey a little crazy never hurt anyone. Besides, we all know that normal is highly over-rated... I am right!? Anyway, so my cat Sierra is doing much better than she was yesterday. She is still expelling excess blood from her uterus but she has an excellent appetite, she is drinking well and she is acting like a normal, happy cat. I think there was a part of me deep down inside that knew her kittens probably weren't going to survive long. The beginning portion of her pregnancy (a crucial part in any mother's time of pregnancy), Sierra was outside, had worms, she was emaciated and had no warm home. She hardly had any nutrients to care for herself let alone her 4-6 kittens. It's just so hard when you know that those kittens never got a chance to live their life.

But on the bright side, last night at 9:00PM Sierra had a beautiful little kitten who is the only survivor out of 5 others. She is a little calico with beautiful light coloring, she survived the night and and ate well this morning, she is also moving a lot more now. So, I'm hoping that she is going to live and be a healthy baby. The most crucial moment is right after the baby is born and drinks their mother's milk, besides the crying of course. We'll be keeping a close eye on her, especially the first week and see how she does.

Anyway, so it's been a real roller coaster of emotions these past couple of days and I'm happy to say that despite all the sadness...I haven't binged at all. I'm quite proud of myself for being able to handle my emotions in a more efficient and healthy manner.

I will be keeping all of you posted on the status of the baby kitten and will post pictures of her soon. Please keep this precious little soul in your thoughts and send her your love, she fought for her life now let's give her all the love and strength we can muster up to help her keep up that fight.

I failed... T^T

I'm struggling so hard right now! You see my family and I rescued an 8 month old kitten awhile ago and it turned out that she was pregnant. Today the beautiful calico we named Sierra went into labor this morning. However, I was informed by my mother that the kittens were nonviable, meaning that they weren't alive. When I received the news, I felt like I had just been shot through the heart or had it ripped out of my chest. I have a ginormous lump in my throat that's making it hard to breathe right now. Sierra was going to have 4-6 kittens, 4-6 little lives that never had the chance to live in this world, to feel the warmth of their momma, to be comforted by her. 4-6 innocent little souls that won't have the chance to explore the world. Anyone who is an animal lover knows exactly how it feels, those who have a pet but love them like they were one of their own. Who look at their animals and don't think of them as just pets but think of them as a daughter, son, sister, brother, etc. I'm extremely attached to Sierra, I have such a deep love for her. Don't get me wrong, I have a deep love for all my animals but there was a special connection with Sierra. I just knew she would make a wonderful mother and after feeling her babies move and speaking to them every night, I started to develop a bond with her unborn kittens. I couldn't wait to find them homes, to give them a chance to have a good, warm home. But now they don't get to have that chance, I have to put on a fake smile and pretend I'm having a great day at work when I feel like I'm dying. Everyone always says that there is a reason for everything, that there is a plan. This is why I always struggle with that response, what reason is there to end the life of an innocent baby, regardless of what species it is. That is still an innocent baby who now doesn't have the chance to live their life and change the life of their humans because there is some kind of plan at work. Well please tell me because those babies were alive this morning and now they're bodies are still, cold and lacking a soul. What reason is there for 4-6 little lives to be taken from this world? I just don't understand it!

Even if the reason is because the child's birth will kill the mother, I would still rather have whatever deity is up there to take my life and not my baby. I lived my life, I had my chance to make a difference now let my child have that chance. Or if the life was taken because both will die during the pregnancy and so might as well save none...don't! I'd rather be with my baby then go on knowing that I survived and my baby didn't even get to see the world. Why would he let a mother suffer like that? Why let her live with so much grief that she ends up taking her own life? Why cause her faith to be shaken because you took her baby's life because "everything happens for a reason." I just don't understand it.

Now, you're probably wondering how I failed... Well, I knew there was something wrong. My gut told me that something is wrong and I should have her taken to the pet hospital. Her kittens were alive this morning, I felt them, I saw them moving. She had blood and my gut said something is wrong, something happened. I bet that one of the placentas ruptured which killed the baby and then caused the others to die because they couldn't get out of the womb. But I doubted my instincts and told myself that I'm just over reacting. Because I doubted my instincts, 4-6 kittens are now dead. I didn't have my sister drive us to the pet hospital. Sierra had woken me up to let me know something was wrong but I doubted myself, I ignored my instincts and let my precious Sierra's babies die. I failed my cat, she would've been a wonderful mother and now she'll never have that chance again. She'll never have the chance to be a momma, I failed her and her kittens. I know that it's my fault and that's why this news is hitting me even harder than it normally would have. Our cat Cheyenne has had still born kittens before and yes I was upset and cried but I've never felt so depressed as I do right now. I just wish I could be home right now to cuddle her and let her know how sorry I am.

I don't know how to deal with these negative emotions, I don't yet know how to deal with negative feelings in a healthy manner. I'm not lying or being dramatic when I say I don't know how to handle this. I'm responsible for the death of 4-6 little kittens, I have so much guilt inside that it's weighing down on my heart. It makes me feel like I'm going to throw up. I can't even hope to make it up to my cat, how does one repay a life? Let alone repay the deaths of 4-6 little lives. My whole life will be spent attempting to repay the loss of Sierra's little kittens.

Ringing the Dinner Bell!

Helllllloooo! The dinner bell is ringing and it's time I provided a delicious recipe or two to share with all of you! So, instead of me just rambling on lets hit the ground running. The first recipe that I have for you today is a very easy one but it'll be great to make for a picnic or possibly something that you can bring to a family reunion or maybe a bbq...you get the idea.

Awwww... how cute!? Hey Kat, why don't you go on romantic picnics?

Ok...first off, that's none of your business! Second... *silence* Kat? .....Hellllloooo? *continued silence* Ok.... I'm sorry! Please stop being quiet...it's creepy! Yup! That's how you do it, ain't nothing scarier than an angry woman staring at you in complete silence. Anyway, here is the first recipe...

Fruit Salad with Lemon-Lavender Syrup

• 1/4 cup sugar (or other sweetner)
• 1/2 cup water
• 2 Tbsp. lemon juice
• 1 Tbsp. fresh lavender buds (or 1/2 Tbsp. dried lavender buds)
• 5-7 lbs stone fruit (such as apricots, peaches, cherries, etc.), chopped 

In a small sauce pan, mix sugar, water, and lemon juice then bring to a simmer over medium heat. Stir to dissolve sugar. Add lavender buds and simmer 1-2 minutes more. Remove from heat and set aside. Let steep for at least 15 minutes. Mix fruit in a large bowl and drizzle with lemon-lavender syrup. Refrigerate at least 1 hour or up to 1-2 days. 

I decided that for this post, the theme is going to be BBQ/Picnic. So basically anything that you would want to take to a picnic or cookout. The next recipe I am providing is a great option to dip your chips in.

White Bean Basil Hummus

• 1 can cannellini beans, rinsed and drained. 
• 2 cloves garlic.
• 2 Tsp. balsamic vinegar.
• 1 Tbsp. tahini. 
• 1/2 Tsp. sea salt.
• 1/4 Tsp. freshly ground pepper, plus more for garnish.
• 2 Tbsp. extra virgin olive oil, plus more for garnish.
• 1 lemon, juiced.
• Handful of fresh basil leaves, plus more for garnish.

Blend all ingredients, except basil, in a food processor until smooth (about 3 minutes), scraping down sides when necessary. Garnish with additional basil leaves, olive oil and freshly ground pepper.

Next I have another sweet and savory side that anyone would love to have at a cookout. Trust me when I say, you'll be scoring big points with this recipe.

 Mini Corn Dog Muffins

• 1/2 cup melted butter.
• 1/2 cup sugar.
• 2 eggs.
• 1 cup buttermilk.
• 1/2 Tsp. baking soda.
• 1 cup gluten free cornmeal
• 1 cup all purpose flour (gluten free, if desired).
• 1/2 Tsp. salt.
• 8-10 all beef hot dogs, cut into 1" bites.

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Combine butter and sugar in a bowl then whisk to combine. Add eggs then whisk to incorporate, then add buttermilk and whisk. In a separate bowl, combine baking soda, cornmeal, flour and salt then stir to combine ingredients.Add dry to wet mixture, whisk in two batches. Spray a mini muffin tin with non-stick cooking spray then spoon 1 Tbsp. of the batter into each muffin cup. Place one hot dog bite into the middle of each cup. Bake for 8-12 minutes or until cornbread is golden brown. Cool in mini muffin tin for 5 minutes before serving.Store leftovers in the refrigerator then re-heat for 20-30 seconds before serving.

Well the dinner bell has rung and I sincerely hope that you all enjoyed these delicious recipes! Next time you have a picnic or a cookout that you're attending, try out these recipes...I bet your friends and family will just love it!

See You Tomorrow!

Did you miss me? ;)

Hello, it's been such a long time since my last post and I'm excited to be writing to you all again! I've been staying strong and keeping with my mission of self-improvement. I will say that it has been extremely hard to keep up with the exercising and putting a stop to the binge eating habits. I haven't stopped the eating habits completely since it is quite difficult to stop, as I have mentioned before in an earlier post, those who have binge eating disorder have a lack of self-control. On top of the lack of self-control, I don't have the option of working with a counselor who is better able to help you recognize your triggers and how to work through your binge episodes. However, I have been losing some pounds and all without a counselor. I have been working through my episodes and learning how to recognize my triggers all on my own.

The part I still struggle with is the lack of self-control, it's still difficult even when you are aware a binge episode is about to occur. You begin to convince yourself that one little treat won't hurt or maybe two...maybe even three, you can just work it off later on. I feel that many who have this disorder know what I'm talking about. This is a part of that lack of self-control, when you are at war with your own conscience. Because I self-hate on my body, there is that little voice inside of my head that keeps saying, "Go ahead and eat! You're already super fat and ugly, there isn't any chance of you finding love or having a family! So, you might as well eat! It feels better when you eat, right? Don't you want all that pain and hurt to go away?" See what I'm talking about, it's a voice that reinforces your self-loathing and re-starts the vicious cycle for emotional eating.

I have been especially struggling these past few weeks, a desperate fight against depression and anger. I find myself getting overwhelmed when I listen to a romantic song, watch a romantic movie, or even just going swimming. I absolutely love to swim, when I'm in the water I feel like it's the one place where I can think, a place where I don't have to think about all that's wrong. But now I feel like I'm slowly losing that safety net because all I see are families, cute couples holding each other close and telling each other again and again how much they love one another. That just kills me inside, I become depressed and angry which are negative emotions.

Ever since I have gained better control over my bingeing and have been working out, I have lost a total of 7 lbs so far. Yet I still find myself angry and depressed, why? I believe there is a multitude of reasons. 1st, I think because there was just so much damage from all the bullying in high school and the self-hating of my body. 2nd, because of the lack of self-control I had come to hate myself as a person, I felt like I was a horrible human being. 3rd, because of the hate I have for my body I ended up convincing myself that no one would ever love me, that all they would see is the size of my body and not who I am as a person. And I still have myself convinced of that and because I want to take back my life, I can't eat to comfort myself. I can't eat away those negative feelings to have myself feeling whole again.

I find it hard to explain but when I'm feeling sad, anxious, angry, lonely, etc., I binge to forget those feelings, to comfort myself. Even though it just creates more negative feelings, (guilt, regret, hatred toward one's body, etc.) I still had the option to binge and feel happy again. Now that I'm learning to stop the bingeing, I now have the challenge of dealing with these negative emotions in a healthy manner. I think that may be one of the biggest challenges for anyone who suffers from binge eating disorder. It's learning what your triggers are, how to get through an episode without bingeing and learning how to deal with those feelings in a healthy way.

I have been looking online at ways to deal with negative feelings, many sites suggest engaging in creative activities; examples of such activities include journaling, drawing, painting, singing, etc. I have also read that it is important to learn how to open up and communicate your feelings and thought processes. It's best to find a counselor, you may also talk to family and friends who can suggest a counselor to you. Remember to keep an open mind, especially when you begin to experience negative emotions. Keeping an open mind will help you observe what exactly is motivating those feelings. Be open with your counselor (when you do find one), you don't need to be worried about making your therapist believe that you're a "normal" person. If you are not honest about the way you feel and the way you think then your counselor can not help you. Also, don't be afraid to ask your therapist questions. As I mentioned above, you can talk to a friend or family member. If you're wanting to express feelings about something they have done to hurt you then approach them in a calm manner, ask if you can talk with them and state that there is something that you would like to get off your chest. Many websites state to avoid confronting someone when you're already angry, that will send whomever you're trying to talk to into a defensive mode and they will most likely give you a taste of your own medicine.When you do confront someone and are trying to express your feelings, it is extremely important to remember to listen to them. It's easy to talk over someone when you're upset which could lead to misunderstandings and potentially the issue not being cleared up. I found this site to have many helpful tips and if you would like to read about more tips, click on this link. 3 Ways to Express your Emotional Pain... The Healthy Way

I'm sorry that this post isn't as "comedic" like my posts normally are but I needed to express my pain not just for myself but for all who are suffering as well. It doesn't have to be a binge eating disorder, you don't even have to be clinically diagnosed. Providing the link to this site is for anyone who struggles with expressing negative emotions. I encourage you to read the page and look for other websites that give helpful advice.

These are pictures from my favorite anime, Fairy Tail, this show has many wonderful lessons that one should take to heart and never forget!

Great News!! ^.^

Hey everybody, I have some fantastic news!!

So, you all know how I have started my mission of self-improvement to take back my life...right? Well, I am pleased to announce that I have already lost 2lbs since starting my mission. Now I know that to many of you, 2lbs doesn't seem like very much. However, as I had stated in previous posts... I do have a binge eating disorder. Therefore, it is a huge success for me to have lost 2lbs even with the struggle of the binge eating disorder. Losing this weight has certainly made me feel a little bit better about myself and has allowed me the opportunity to tell myself that losing weight isn't impossible. I will not lie when I say that it's extremely difficult to lose weight and I know that I have quite a challenge ahead of me. Creating this blog and keeping up with my posts has certainly helped me with staying on track and I'm thinking that each week I'm going to be doing a weigh-in. By doing this, it will help me to remain aware of any eating habits and how those habits affect me. This also helps me to understand the way my body works that much more. By keeping track of what you eat and how it affects your weight, this allows you to make alterations to what you take in. As an example, let's say that you're a big soda-pop drinker. You really like to drink soda-pop and your favorite drink is coca-cola. A 12oz can of Coke has 140 calories (12 oz can of Pepsi has 150) and as many of you know, soda-pop tends to swell you up. By keeping track of how much soda you drink (and the calories), you are able to see what one 12oz can of coke can do to your weight. Now it's very hard to completely cut yourself off from soda altogether, therefore it's a good idea to look at other carbonated beverages. So instead of drinking your usual coca-cola, you can switch to SanPellegrino sparkling water which has 0 calories or look at various carbonated flavored waters which will have less calories than coke will. Once you start drinking the waters versus soda-pop, you will notice a big difference in your weight patterns and your body will feel much better because you aren't swelling yourself up like Violet from Willy Wonka.

Well...That can't be good!

You're most certainly right! For once we actually agree on something, soda really isn't good at all for your body and can cause you to feel tired, bloated and have no motivation to do anything. So I would like to suggest an awesome app for you all to download, especially if you're trying to lose weight like I am. Go to your play store and look up "Calculator and Tracker for WWPP," this is a great app that is completely free. If you're looking for something that has a little bit more then I would suggest the "Weight Watchers Mobile" app but you do need an account to login to the app and the monthly standard plan costs $19.95. So, if you don't mind spending $20 bucks a month then this app is for you but if you are tight on cash and just want to track the points then go with the Calculator app. Another really great app that I'm starting to use is "MyFitnessPal," this also helps you keep track of what you eat for Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner. You're also able to log any work out that you've done for the day.

As I have said many times in my posts, please feel free to ask me any questions or leave a comment. I also encourage you to help any family and/or friends who are struggling to lose weight. It's always helpful when you have people close to you to give you support.

Ringing the Dinner Bell!

Ring... Ring... Ring...

Why are you asking!? She hasn't even served the food yet!?

Hey now! Don't be rude! Besides, he's so cute! Don't worry little kitten, you can has moar! ^.^ Push Over!! Woah, woah, woah! Don't insert yourself into my paragraphs! Your job is to do the captions (you're really not all that good at it though...) and I write the posts. Geez, I wouldn't have a problem with it if you were nice but you're just rude. Ignore Mr. Grumpy everyone... Anyway, the dinner bell is ringing and you know what that means! It's time I share a nice recipe or two with all of you! The first recipe is not something you eat but rather something you can make to quench your thirst! 

 Fresh Squeezed Lemonade

• 4 medium lemons
• 54 fl oz water
• 1/2 cup sugar

First you're going to need to squeeze the juice of 4 lemons (either large or medium), comes to about 8-10 oz. Next you'll want enough water to fill a 2 qt pitcher (~54 fl oz). Then add your lemon juice and a 1/2 cup sugar to the water. Stir to dissolve the sugar.

So, that wasn't really all that difficult... pretty self-explanatory but it's always good to have a recipe in case you ever forget. The next recipe is one you'll definitely want to try during the colder months of the year. The recipe I will be providing is for a nice creamy, sweet potato soup. The recipe is easy to double (or triple) and I think will definitely be a favorite next Thanksgiving.

Creamy Sweet Potato Soup

• 2 Tablespoons olive oil.
• 1 small onion, diced.
• 1 shallot, diced.
• 2 gloves garlic, chopped.
• 3-4 medium sized sweet potatoes, peeled and cut into 1-in. cubes.
• 4 cups chicken (or vegetable) stock.
• 1/2 tsp. cinnamon. 
• 1 tsp. paprika.
• 1-2 tsp. salt.
• Fresh ground pepper

In a large pot, heat oil over medium heat. Add onion and shallot, season lightly with salt and pepper. Sweat the onions (cook them until translucent without allowing them to brown) for about 5 minutes. Add garlic and cook two more minutes until fragrant. Stir in sweet potatoes, stock, cinnamon, and paprika. Bring mixture to a boil. Then, reduce heat and simmer for 30 minutes (sweet potatoes should be very tender.) Using a blender, stick blender, or food processor, puree the mixture (in batches, if necessary.) Return the pureed mixture to the pot. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Serve topped with chopped parsley, if desired. Soup can be stored in a sealed container in the fridge for up to a week. The soup can also be frozen for up to a few months. But are you really going to wait that long? I don't think so. 

Well, the dinner bell has rung and now it's time to say goodbye...for now. I hope you all try these recipes out and that you enjoy them. If you're interested in finding some more good recipes, follow this link: Good Food That Will Keep YOU Good! This site has over 400 recipes that are affordable for anyone who is tight on money, and did I mention that it was GOOD!? ^.^ Please check out the site and share some recipes with your own friends and family!

 

It's Been A While...

Yeah... Where have you been!?

I know, I know... Haven't done any posts since Sunday but don't worry, I'm still dedicated to following through on my mission! So, I had a wonderful surprise after I got off work Sunday... My cousin Ally was hiding in the back of my mom's car when she came to pick me up! I was ecstatic to finally see her, it had been so long since I'd seen her last. An even bigger surprise, she was able to stay the night since I didn't work that following Monday. We had so much fun, Sunday night we all went to the drive-in and saw the movies "Inside/Out" and "Terminator: Genesis." Of course since Ally is only a little girl, she fell asleep by the time Terminator rolled around. That morning Ally and I had breakfast and went for a walk, since it was so hot and Ally had been so good...I bought her some ice-cream to have on the way home. Then we had our lunch and decided to look for a movie on Netflix together. I stopped at Dumbo, recalling how much I loved that movie when I was little. However, I had come to learn that Ally had never seen it. Therefore, it became my mission to have her sit with me and watch Dumbo together. Ally didn't seem to like the movie all too well, after all that "Pink Elephants" part is quite terrifying. That part always freaked me out when I was little, I remember how I always wanted to fast-forward it...I still do to this day. Well, the time for her dad to come pick her up was slowly approaching and Ally insisted that we needed to have our girl time. So, she ran upstairs to my room and informed me that we needed to do hair and make-up. I reluctantly agreed...only because her heart was set on it and she was just too darn sweet. And so...I let her do my hair and make-up.

I must admit that I looked quite fabulous! Look out world...here I come! Please, no pictures...I don't want to ruin my beautiful make-up! ^.^ Anyway, I did splurge a little bit since Ally and I were spending some time together but I'm not really worried.

I've decided to make it a goal to go to the gym on my days off as often as I can. By doing so, I will feel better about myself which will help me to be more positive. As a result, I won't be needing to seek comfort because of negative emotions. I won't be eating out of boredom nor will I be eating after I'm full of food. There will obviously be many positive outcomes as a result of going to the gym more often. First: I will be more positive and happy with myself. Second: I will begin to lose weight which will add to my feelings of positivity but also help my body feel better. Third: By losing weight, I will start sleeping better at night. Fourth: I will live a longer life because I have decreased any health risks that I may face. Fifth: Because I will live longer, I will have the chance to be a mother and live to see my children grow up. Sixth (the most important): By going to the gym, I have the ability to encourage my mom to go as well which will give her the chance to live to see her grandchildren.

The last couple of reasons that are listed above were the deciding factors in me wanting to lose weight. I want to feel better about myself, I want to live to see my children grow up and I also want my children to have the chance to know their grandmother.

I always try to make it a point in my posts to be encouraging to any individuals who are in my position as well. So, here it goes... I do strongly encourage anyone in my position to go to the gym, go for a hike at the metro parks, play some football or basketball with your brother, play tag with your kids, go swimming (you don't have to be alone), do something that's going to help you work up a sweat but is something that you love. If you love to swim, hike, run, etc, then it's not going to be as difficult for you to find the motivation to get up and work out.

If you do struggle with motivation for yourself then remember your parents, your children, any members in your family. No parent wants to outlive their baby, no child wants to grow up without a loving parent, a sibling's bond is strong...you shouldn't let something so precious weaken because you didn't care enough for your body, remember your grandparents; they're a bit of parent, teacher and friend, many grandparents think of their grandchildren as their own (the same goes for them as well, they shouldn't outlive their grandchildren either). Remember all your family and friends, your death affects them as well. You must also remember that your death may also affect future family members as well. So, please... if you're struggling with a binge eating disorder like I am, if you've gained weight because of the disorder, and have a hard time staying motivated as well as staying happy... remember your loved ones. Their happiness is the biggest motivation that you could ever have.

Well, that's pretty much it for this post! I will be publishing another post right after this one with today's recipe, enjoy your day and please be safe.