Hello, it's been such a long time since my last post and I'm excited to be writing to you all again! I've been staying strong and keeping with my mission of self-improvement. I will say that it has been extremely hard to keep up with the exercising and putting a stop to the binge eating habits. I haven't stopped the eating habits completely since it is quite difficult to stop, as I have mentioned before in an earlier post, those who have binge eating disorder have a lack of self-control. On top of the lack of self-control, I don't have the option of working with a counselor who is better able to help you recognize your triggers and how to work through your binge episodes. However, I have been losing some pounds and all without a counselor. I have been working through my episodes and learning how to recognize my triggers all on my own.
The part I still struggle with is the lack of self-control, it's still difficult even when you are aware a binge episode is about to occur. You begin to convince yourself that one little treat won't hurt or maybe two...maybe even three, you can just work it off later on. I feel that many who have this disorder know what I'm talking about. This is a part of that lack of self-control, when you are at war with your own conscience. Because I self-hate on my body, there is that little voice inside of my head that keeps saying, "Go ahead and eat! You're already super fat and ugly, there isn't any chance of you finding love or having a family! So, you might as well eat! It feels better when you eat, right? Don't you want all that pain and hurt to go away?" See what I'm talking about, it's a voice that reinforces your self-loathing and re-starts the vicious cycle for emotional eating.
I have been especially struggling these past few weeks, a desperate fight against depression and anger. I find myself getting overwhelmed when I listen to a romantic song, watch a romantic movie, or even just going swimming. I absolutely love to swim, when I'm in the water I feel like it's the one place where I can think, a place where I don't have to think about all that's wrong. But now I feel like I'm slowly losing that safety net because all I see are families, cute couples holding each other close and telling each other again and again how much they love one another. That just kills me inside, I become depressed and angry which are negative emotions.
Ever since I have gained better control over my bingeing and have been working out, I have lost a total of 7 lbs so far. Yet I still find myself angry and depressed, why? I believe there is a multitude of reasons. 1st, I think because there was just so much damage from all the bullying in high school and the self-hating of my body. 2nd, because of the lack of self-control I had come to hate myself as a person, I felt like I was a horrible human being. 3rd, because of the hate I have for my body I ended up convincing myself that no one would ever love me, that all they would see is the size of my body and not who I am as a person. And I still have myself convinced of that and because I want to take back my life, I can't eat to comfort myself. I can't eat away those negative feelings to have myself feeling whole again.
I find it hard to explain but when I'm feeling sad, anxious, angry, lonely, etc., I binge to forget those feelings, to comfort myself. Even though it just creates more negative feelings, (guilt, regret, hatred toward one's body, etc.) I still had the option to binge and feel happy again. Now that I'm learning to stop the bingeing, I now have the challenge of dealing with these negative emotions in a healthy manner. I think that may be one of the biggest challenges for anyone who suffers from binge eating disorder. It's learning what your triggers are, how to get through an episode without bingeing and learning how to deal with those feelings in a healthy way.
I have been looking online at ways to deal with negative feelings, many sites suggest engaging in creative activities; examples of such activities include journaling, drawing, painting, singing, etc. I have also read that it is important to learn how to open up and communicate your feelings and thought processes. It's best to find a counselor, you may also talk to family and friends who can suggest a counselor to you. Remember to keep an open mind, especially when you begin to experience negative emotions. Keeping an open mind will help you observe what exactly is motivating those feelings. Be open with your counselor (when you do find one), you don't need to be worried about making your therapist believe that you're a "normal" person. If you are not honest about the way you feel and the way you think then your counselor can not help you. Also, don't be afraid to ask your therapist questions. As I mentioned above, you can talk to a friend or family member. If you're wanting to express feelings about something they have done to hurt you then approach them in a calm manner, ask if you can talk with them and state that there is something that you would like to get off your chest. Many websites state to avoid confronting someone when you're already angry, that will send whomever you're trying to talk to into a defensive mode and they will most likely give you a taste of your own medicine.When you do confront someone and are trying to express your feelings, it is extremely important to remember to listen to them. It's easy to talk over someone when you're upset which could lead to misunderstandings and potentially the issue not being cleared up. I found this site to have many helpful tips and if you would like to read about more tips, click on this link. 3 Ways to Express your Emotional Pain... The Healthy Way
I'm sorry that this post isn't as "comedic" like my posts normally are but I needed to express my pain not just for myself but for all who are suffering as well. It doesn't have to be a binge eating disorder, you don't even have to be clinically diagnosed. Providing the link to this site is for anyone who struggles with expressing negative emotions. I encourage you to read the page and look for other websites that give helpful advice.
These are pictures from my favorite anime, Fairy Tail, this show has many wonderful lessons that one should take to heart and never forget!
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