I'm struggling so hard right now! You see my family and I rescued an 8 month old kitten awhile ago and it turned out that she was pregnant. Today the beautiful calico we named Sierra went into labor this morning. However, I was informed by my mother that the kittens were nonviable, meaning that they weren't alive. When I received the news, I felt like I had just been shot through the heart or had it ripped out of my chest. I have a ginormous lump in my throat that's making it hard to breathe right now. Sierra was going to have 4-6 kittens, 4-6 little lives that never had the chance to live in this world, to feel the warmth of their momma, to be comforted by her. 4-6 innocent little souls that won't have the chance to explore the world. Anyone who is an animal lover knows exactly how it feels, those who have a pet but love them like they were one of their own. Who look at their animals and don't think of them as just pets but think of them as a daughter, son, sister, brother, etc. I'm extremely attached to Sierra, I have such a deep love for her. Don't get me wrong, I have a deep love for all my animals but there was a special connection with Sierra. I just knew she would make a wonderful mother and after feeling her babies move and speaking to them every night, I started to develop a bond with her unborn kittens. I couldn't wait to find them homes, to give them a chance to have a good, warm home. But now they don't get to have that chance, I have to put on a fake smile and pretend I'm having a great day at work when I feel like I'm dying. Everyone always says that there is a reason for everything, that there is a plan. This is why I always struggle with that response, what reason is there to end the life of an innocent baby, regardless of what species it is. That is still an innocent baby who now doesn't have the chance to live their life and change the life of their humans because there is some kind of plan at work. Well please tell me because those babies were alive this morning and now they're bodies are still, cold and lacking a soul. What reason is there for 4-6 little lives to be taken from this world? I just don't understand it!
Even if the reason is because the child's birth will kill the mother, I would still rather have whatever deity is up there to take my life and not my baby. I lived my life, I had my chance to make a difference now let my child have that chance. Or if the life was taken because both will die during the pregnancy and so might as well save none...don't! I'd rather be with my baby then go on knowing that I survived and my baby didn't even get to see the world. Why would he let a mother suffer like that? Why let her live with so much grief that she ends up taking her own life? Why cause her faith to be shaken because you took her baby's life because "everything happens for a reason." I just don't understand it.
Now, you're probably wondering how I failed... Well, I knew there was something wrong. My gut told me that something is wrong and I should have her taken to the pet hospital. Her kittens were alive this morning, I felt them, I saw them moving. She had blood and my gut said something is wrong, something happened. I bet that one of the placentas ruptured which killed the baby and then caused the others to die because they couldn't get out of the womb. But I doubted my instincts and told myself that I'm just over reacting. Because I doubted my instincts, 4-6 kittens are now dead. I didn't have my sister drive us to the pet hospital. Sierra had woken me up to let me know something was wrong but I doubted myself, I ignored my instincts and let my precious Sierra's babies die. I failed my cat, she would've been a wonderful mother and now she'll never have that chance again. She'll never have the chance to be a momma, I failed her and her kittens. I know that it's my fault and that's why this news is hitting me even harder than it normally would have. Our cat Cheyenne has had still born kittens before and yes I was upset and cried but I've never felt so depressed as I do right now. I just wish I could be home right now to cuddle her and let her know how sorry I am.
I don't know how to deal with these negative emotions, I don't yet know how to deal with negative feelings in a healthy manner. I'm not lying or being dramatic when I say I don't know how to handle this. I'm responsible for the death of 4-6 little kittens, I have so much guilt inside that it's weighing down on my heart. It makes me feel like I'm going to throw up. I can't even hope to make it up to my cat, how does one repay a life? Let alone repay the deaths of 4-6 little lives. My whole life will be spent attempting to repay the loss of Sierra's little kittens.
No comments:
Post a Comment