Problem in Love

Hey, how's it goin? So you're probably wondering about the oddball title and how this has to do with my weight loss mission. Well, i"m not so sure it really does have anything to do with the objective at hand but it's something that has been weighing on my mind and it's about time I wrote it down. Today I want to talk about love, it's been a topic that always strikes a nerve for me but that's why I need to get it out through my blog. I want a relationship, to be loved, supported and to be held in someone's arms and I want to give that same love back. I've known that I've always wanted a family, even when I was very young I knew that I wanted to be someone's wife, to have kids and raise them to make a difference in this world. It's not some recent thing that came out of nowhere, it's a want that I've had in my heart for a long time. However, in my particular case...I've never been in a relationship. Why? Because most men can't see past my weight, it's not like I can blame them. Most men aren't attracted to women who are overweight but I see women my size... women who are even bigger than I am that have a beautiful relationship. So, where's mine? Why don't I get to have a happily ever after? One never fully realizes just how unfair life can be, there are plenty of women who get to have a marriage and kids but they're just really bad people. Then there's me, I'm a good person, I have good morals, I'd give my life to save another, I'm great with kids, a good cook, I want to make my husband happy when he comes home (I'd of course expect the same courtesy), I love my family dearly, I'll stand by my friend's and family's side through thick and thin, I won't hesitate to speak up when there is an injustice, I'm usually the first person to hold the door open for you, the first to say hello, ask how your day is and genuinely mean it. Yet not once have I ever been in a relationship and seen for the beautiful person that I am (...at least on the inside...).

So a part of me thinks to myself, "maybe you're just meant to live your life alone, maybe you're not meant to have children." I mean everyone tells me that there is other ways to have kids, you don't need a man to be a mother. But the part that frustrates me most about that is the fact that they don't realize that I don't have those options. I don't have the money to be inseminated, artificial insemination usually costs $300-500 per attempt and the typical success rate is 10-20% (meaning 5-10 attempts may be required.) You also have to take into account the testing they will have to do to see why you are unable to conceive naturally, which could be another several hundred dollars. Then if you can go through with the insemination, you will have additional costs, such as: donor sperm being screened for sexually transmitted diseases, sperm washing, which is always necessary, can cost up to $100, ultrasounds which cost about $300 each, and your fertility drugs; they can cost as less as $100 or could cost up to thousands of dollars depending on the medication and the dosage. Just a rough guesstimate, not taking into account how much the tests cost, how much medication you take and without knowing how much the screening of the donor sperm is...that comes to at least $800 and that would probably be considered a good deal. So that option is completely out of the door for me. Then usually people will tell me,"well if you can't do that the you can always adopt." First off, the price of adoption varies and depending on how you adopt it can range from $0-30,000. Secondly, I would be single and it's extremely hard for a single mother or father to adopt a child. Most places don't even accept applications from individuals who are single and plan to raise the child alone. It is due to the belief that for proper growth and mental development, a child should be placed into a home with a mother and father. So there are often times when a single parents application (if accepted) will be put on the back burner while agencies look for a home with two parents.

Would you say that's fair? Because I sure don't think it is and I'm sure most of you are aware that for a couple it can take years before they can adopt. Agencies have to come in and do a home check to ensure that your home would be a safe and proper place for a baby to be raised. So if it can take years for a couple to adopt...the what about a single mother or father who wants that same thing, to be a parent and raise a beautiful child. I mean the cost alone can send hopeful people like me packing but then the bias of a child not developing properly in a single parent home isn't fair, that there should be two parents. With these kinds of prices and these kind of biases, it almost makes me want to go and be promiscuous and just get pregnant from a one night stand. Is that what it takes? I can't be in a relationship and have a child with the man I love (the preferred way I'd rather do things), I can't go and be inseminated and nor do I have the adoption to adopt. So my only option is just to go sleep around with strangers and hope I get lucky...?

But the thing is, despite how much I'd like to have a child and be a mother, I refuse to have a child with a man I do not love and I wouldn't want my child to grow up wondering why she doesn't have a father in her life. What do you tell your baby? Oh, well no one wanted to be in a relationship with your mommy so I decided that I'd do it all by myself. I mean it works for most people, they tell their babies, "because I wanted your precious soul in my life, I decided I would do whatever it takes (even if I have to do it alone) to find my little one." That sounds completely amazing to me but I know how many children growing up with a single parent feels. You're constantly looking around and seeing children who have both a mother and a father, you tend to always ask yourself why you don't have a dad but the other kids do, you tend to be the only child whose parent doesn't come to school to talk about their job because you're only parent has to work to feed you, keep a roof over your head and clothes on your back. Don't get me wrong, we love and admire our mothers and fathers who raised us all on their own but there is always that question...what if? What if I had a mom and dad? Would my mom be happier? Would we constantly worry about money? Would that emptiness I feel be filled? So many questions that could never be answered for a lot of kids.

That's why I feel like that I just couldn't do it alone, because I know the pain, fear and frustration of growing up with only one parent. Therefore, I don't think I could live with myself if I allowed my child to go through the same feelings that I had struggled with. So, I had decided a long time ago that if I was never to fall in love and marry that man I fell so deeply in love with then I wouldn't ever have a child. I only want to have a child with the man that I love, truly and deeply, and I want my child to have both parents in their life. If I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone then it'll be just like that...alone. I will not bring a child into my world of loneliness and force them to live like me, a pieces of themselves missing. Me without a partner who loves me with all of his heart (and whom I love with all of mine) and a child without a father who loves them with all of their heart. That makes for a very lonely life but it's alright... I can stand up again all by myself. Even if I'm all alone... I will survive.

Just because I'd be alone doesn't necessarily mean that I won't be happy in life, I can live alone and still be happy. I'm still learning on how I would do that because as of right now, the thought of not having that chance to be a mother and bring a child into this world kills me. So I still need time to adjust to the idea of never being a mother or a wife and allowing that to sink in. Once I do that then I can focus solely on my career and finding joy elsewhere. I can find joy in volunteering with animals and teaching children about art (which is my passion). Working in a field I love and getting to teach children (which is another passion of mine, I love working with kids) allows me to find joy in life and helps me in filling that piece of me that I know that I'll be losing. Even while writing this out and thinking about never having the chance to bring a baby into this world, I feel like a part of myself is slipping away and my heart feels like it's being weighed down.

I remember that I was told by a very dear friend that I was meant to be a mother, that I had such an incredible motherly instinct and that my love for kids was unmatched. She said that she knew, deep down in her heart, that I am supposed to be a mother to someone. That my job in life wasn't necessarily working with art or as an artist but was to raise and teach a beautiful child all about life. That I was meant to raise a child who would make a difference in the world because that's how I would raise my children. I would raise them with the knowledge and belief that they could do anything they set their mind to and that they could change the world for the better. I still believe that, that there are men and women in this world who were just meant to be mothers and fathers and that there are individuals who aren't meant to be.

Anyway, I'm still proud of myself. I have family and friends who can tell that I've lost weight which makes me really happy. Not only have I been losing weight ( therefore I will look good and feel better) I have also been fighting the urge to binge eat despite all these negative emotions that I'm struggling with. That in itself is an amazing accomplishment because that means I'm gaining control over my binge eating disorder and using my stubbornness to fight and take back my life.

Sorry again for the emotional blog post but it's not everyday that you can have that freedom to get such strong feelings off your chest. I'd also like to say thank you to one of my readers, I received an email from a very kind gentleman who assured me that everything will be okay and that I would make a wonderful wife. Then he informed me that anybody else who thinks otherwise is just blinded by their ignorance. It was wonderful to receive such nice words and to know that my posts are being read.

Talk to you soon!

Nothing wrong with wanting a family! ^.^