Gaia, The Puff Ball...

Hello once again to my "faithful" readers! So I figured it was time to give you an update on my cat and her baby. Well, they're both doing fine, the momma has a good appetite and she is back to her normal behavior...besides the occasional over-protective mother that pops out every now and then. Anyway, we decided to name the baby Gaia and from the looks of things it seems like she is going to have a VERY light colored coat. You see, Sierra is a unique calico because usually calico's and their patches are solid in color. Sierra has tiger stripes in each one of her patches rather than having solid colors. So that in itself is a unique pattern for a calico to have but as many of you may know, a calico with a light coat and no dark colors is a rare coloring. Therefore she would be considered a dilute calico. "Dilute," as you have already guessed, simply means the color is less intense. It takes a complex and confusing combination of genetic markers to create a dilute calico. A short explanation: A dilute calico must inherit three specific genes; a mosaic gene which allows two basic colors to be expressed instead of only one, the dilute markers (cream and blue meaning a soft-reddish color and a light gray rather than a more intense red and black). They also need to inherit a "white spotting" gene which causes parts of their coat to be white. It is only when all three of these genes are present that a calico will be diluted. Since the basic or dense colors are dominant, most calico cat's have a dense coloring instead of dilute, even if they carry the dilute gene. It takes the expression of the recessive dilute genes to create a dilute calico. Color combinations you tend to see in a dilute calico are: white, blue (gray) and cream; white, lilac (dilute of chocolate but looks lighter than the blue coloring) and cream; or white, fawn (beige, dilute of cinnamon) and cream.

The picture above would be what a dilute calico with the white, blue (maybe lilac) and cream coloring looks like.

Gaia has gotten so big in just 6 days and from the looks of it, I'd say she is going to have a white, fawn and cream coloring. She is extremely light, even lighter than our previous cat Noel who was also a diluted calico (white, blue and cream). It's because she is so light that I believe she will have this color combination.

The image above shows what a white, fawn, and cream calico would look like. I'm pretty sure this is what Gaia's coloring will be except it looks like that Gaia has more cream/white and will have patches of the fawn (the darker shade). Refer to the picture below.

This is Gaia, the puff ball!

 So think about it for a second, dilute calico's are rare... now what about a diluted calico that has an even lighter coloring than what you would see in most dilute calico's (white, blue and cream). I'd say that Sierra has got some nice genes, if the little baby boy had survived he would also be rare as most calico cats are female. It also seemed to my mother and I that the little boy would've had the same unique coloring as his momma Sierra.

Irregardless, I am happy to report that both Sierra and Gaia are doing just fine. They are both happy and healthy kittens (Sierra is only 9 months old). I am so proud of Sierra, she has been doing so well in caring for her little girl and is never away from her for very long. Gaia is a very well behaved little kitten, she hardly ever cries (but she can be loud when she wants to ^.^) even when her momma is away from her. She'll just cuddle up in the bed and go right back to sleep. If her momma is away for too long (which she hardly ever is) then Gaia will start crying. I can't wait to see how Gaia will grow up and what her coloring is going to end up looking like.

Sierra and her 6 day old baby girl!

Hope you all enjoyed reading this post, I will continue to update on how things are going with Sierra and Gaia, there will also be pictures (I assure you!) See You Tomorrow!

Problem in Love

Hey, how's it goin? So you're probably wondering about the oddball title and how this has to do with my weight loss mission. Well, i"m not so sure it really does have anything to do with the objective at hand but it's something that has been weighing on my mind and it's about time I wrote it down. Today I want to talk about love, it's been a topic that always strikes a nerve for me but that's why I need to get it out through my blog. I want a relationship, to be loved, supported and to be held in someone's arms and I want to give that same love back. I've known that I've always wanted a family, even when I was very young I knew that I wanted to be someone's wife, to have kids and raise them to make a difference in this world. It's not some recent thing that came out of nowhere, it's a want that I've had in my heart for a long time. However, in my particular case...I've never been in a relationship. Why? Because most men can't see past my weight, it's not like I can blame them. Most men aren't attracted to women who are overweight but I see women my size... women who are even bigger than I am that have a beautiful relationship. So, where's mine? Why don't I get to have a happily ever after? One never fully realizes just how unfair life can be, there are plenty of women who get to have a marriage and kids but they're just really bad people. Then there's me, I'm a good person, I have good morals, I'd give my life to save another, I'm great with kids, a good cook, I want to make my husband happy when he comes home (I'd of course expect the same courtesy), I love my family dearly, I'll stand by my friend's and family's side through thick and thin, I won't hesitate to speak up when there is an injustice, I'm usually the first person to hold the door open for you, the first to say hello, ask how your day is and genuinely mean it. Yet not once have I ever been in a relationship and seen for the beautiful person that I am (...at least on the inside...).

So a part of me thinks to myself, "maybe you're just meant to live your life alone, maybe you're not meant to have children." I mean everyone tells me that there is other ways to have kids, you don't need a man to be a mother. But the part that frustrates me most about that is the fact that they don't realize that I don't have those options. I don't have the money to be inseminated, artificial insemination usually costs $300-500 per attempt and the typical success rate is 10-20% (meaning 5-10 attempts may be required.) You also have to take into account the testing they will have to do to see why you are unable to conceive naturally, which could be another several hundred dollars. Then if you can go through with the insemination, you will have additional costs, such as: donor sperm being screened for sexually transmitted diseases, sperm washing, which is always necessary, can cost up to $100, ultrasounds which cost about $300 each, and your fertility drugs; they can cost as less as $100 or could cost up to thousands of dollars depending on the medication and the dosage. Just a rough guesstimate, not taking into account how much the tests cost, how much medication you take and without knowing how much the screening of the donor sperm is...that comes to at least $800 and that would probably be considered a good deal. So that option is completely out of the door for me. Then usually people will tell me,"well if you can't do that the you can always adopt." First off, the price of adoption varies and depending on how you adopt it can range from $0-30,000. Secondly, I would be single and it's extremely hard for a single mother or father to adopt a child. Most places don't even accept applications from individuals who are single and plan to raise the child alone. It is due to the belief that for proper growth and mental development, a child should be placed into a home with a mother and father. So there are often times when a single parents application (if accepted) will be put on the back burner while agencies look for a home with two parents.

Would you say that's fair? Because I sure don't think it is and I'm sure most of you are aware that for a couple it can take years before they can adopt. Agencies have to come in and do a home check to ensure that your home would be a safe and proper place for a baby to be raised. So if it can take years for a couple to adopt...the what about a single mother or father who wants that same thing, to be a parent and raise a beautiful child. I mean the cost alone can send hopeful people like me packing but then the bias of a child not developing properly in a single parent home isn't fair, that there should be two parents. With these kinds of prices and these kind of biases, it almost makes me want to go and be promiscuous and just get pregnant from a one night stand. Is that what it takes? I can't be in a relationship and have a child with the man I love (the preferred way I'd rather do things), I can't go and be inseminated and nor do I have the adoption to adopt. So my only option is just to go sleep around with strangers and hope I get lucky...?

But the thing is, despite how much I'd like to have a child and be a mother, I refuse to have a child with a man I do not love and I wouldn't want my child to grow up wondering why she doesn't have a father in her life. What do you tell your baby? Oh, well no one wanted to be in a relationship with your mommy so I decided that I'd do it all by myself. I mean it works for most people, they tell their babies, "because I wanted your precious soul in my life, I decided I would do whatever it takes (even if I have to do it alone) to find my little one." That sounds completely amazing to me but I know how many children growing up with a single parent feels. You're constantly looking around and seeing children who have both a mother and a father, you tend to always ask yourself why you don't have a dad but the other kids do, you tend to be the only child whose parent doesn't come to school to talk about their job because you're only parent has to work to feed you, keep a roof over your head and clothes on your back. Don't get me wrong, we love and admire our mothers and fathers who raised us all on their own but there is always that question...what if? What if I had a mom and dad? Would my mom be happier? Would we constantly worry about money? Would that emptiness I feel be filled? So many questions that could never be answered for a lot of kids.

That's why I feel like that I just couldn't do it alone, because I know the pain, fear and frustration of growing up with only one parent. Therefore, I don't think I could live with myself if I allowed my child to go through the same feelings that I had struggled with. So, I had decided a long time ago that if I was never to fall in love and marry that man I fell so deeply in love with then I wouldn't ever have a child. I only want to have a child with the man that I love, truly and deeply, and I want my child to have both parents in their life. If I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone then it'll be just like that...alone. I will not bring a child into my world of loneliness and force them to live like me, a pieces of themselves missing. Me without a partner who loves me with all of his heart (and whom I love with all of mine) and a child without a father who loves them with all of their heart. That makes for a very lonely life but it's alright... I can stand up again all by myself. Even if I'm all alone... I will survive.

Just because I'd be alone doesn't necessarily mean that I won't be happy in life, I can live alone and still be happy. I'm still learning on how I would do that because as of right now, the thought of not having that chance to be a mother and bring a child into this world kills me. So I still need time to adjust to the idea of never being a mother or a wife and allowing that to sink in. Once I do that then I can focus solely on my career and finding joy elsewhere. I can find joy in volunteering with animals and teaching children about art (which is my passion). Working in a field I love and getting to teach children (which is another passion of mine, I love working with kids) allows me to find joy in life and helps me in filling that piece of me that I know that I'll be losing. Even while writing this out and thinking about never having the chance to bring a baby into this world, I feel like a part of myself is slipping away and my heart feels like it's being weighed down.

I remember that I was told by a very dear friend that I was meant to be a mother, that I had such an incredible motherly instinct and that my love for kids was unmatched. She said that she knew, deep down in her heart, that I am supposed to be a mother to someone. That my job in life wasn't necessarily working with art or as an artist but was to raise and teach a beautiful child all about life. That I was meant to raise a child who would make a difference in the world because that's how I would raise my children. I would raise them with the knowledge and belief that they could do anything they set their mind to and that they could change the world for the better. I still believe that, that there are men and women in this world who were just meant to be mothers and fathers and that there are individuals who aren't meant to be.

Anyway, I'm still proud of myself. I have family and friends who can tell that I've lost weight which makes me really happy. Not only have I been losing weight ( therefore I will look good and feel better) I have also been fighting the urge to binge eat despite all these negative emotions that I'm struggling with. That in itself is an amazing accomplishment because that means I'm gaining control over my binge eating disorder and using my stubbornness to fight and take back my life.

Sorry again for the emotional blog post but it's not everyday that you can have that freedom to get such strong feelings off your chest. I'd also like to say thank you to one of my readers, I received an email from a very kind gentleman who assured me that everything will be okay and that I would make a wonderful wife. Then he informed me that anybody else who thinks otherwise is just blinded by their ignorance. It was wonderful to receive such nice words and to know that my posts are being read.

Talk to you soon!

Nothing wrong with wanting a family! ^.^

Update on the Cat

Hello again, I want to apologize for my depressing post yesterday. I probably should've waited until I was more clam, cool and collected. It's never wise to write when you have something fresh weighing on your shoulders.

Talk about crazy....

Yeah, yeah I'd say I seemed a little bit crazy at that point in time but hey a little crazy never hurt anyone. Besides, we all know that normal is highly over-rated... I am right!? Anyway, so my cat Sierra is doing much better than she was yesterday. She is still expelling excess blood from her uterus but she has an excellent appetite, she is drinking well and she is acting like a normal, happy cat. I think there was a part of me deep down inside that knew her kittens probably weren't going to survive long. The beginning portion of her pregnancy (a crucial part in any mother's time of pregnancy), Sierra was outside, had worms, she was emaciated and had no warm home. She hardly had any nutrients to care for herself let alone her 4-6 kittens. It's just so hard when you know that those kittens never got a chance to live their life.

But on the bright side, last night at 9:00PM Sierra had a beautiful little kitten who is the only survivor out of 5 others. She is a little calico with beautiful light coloring, she survived the night and and ate well this morning, she is also moving a lot more now. So, I'm hoping that she is going to live and be a healthy baby. The most crucial moment is right after the baby is born and drinks their mother's milk, besides the crying of course. We'll be keeping a close eye on her, especially the first week and see how she does.

Anyway, so it's been a real roller coaster of emotions these past couple of days and I'm happy to say that despite all the sadness...I haven't binged at all. I'm quite proud of myself for being able to handle my emotions in a more efficient and healthy manner.

I will be keeping all of you posted on the status of the baby kitten and will post pictures of her soon. Please keep this precious little soul in your thoughts and send her your love, she fought for her life now let's give her all the love and strength we can muster up to help her keep up that fight.

I failed... T^T

I'm struggling so hard right now! You see my family and I rescued an 8 month old kitten awhile ago and it turned out that she was pregnant. Today the beautiful calico we named Sierra went into labor this morning. However, I was informed by my mother that the kittens were nonviable, meaning that they weren't alive. When I received the news, I felt like I had just been shot through the heart or had it ripped out of my chest. I have a ginormous lump in my throat that's making it hard to breathe right now. Sierra was going to have 4-6 kittens, 4-6 little lives that never had the chance to live in this world, to feel the warmth of their momma, to be comforted by her. 4-6 innocent little souls that won't have the chance to explore the world. Anyone who is an animal lover knows exactly how it feels, those who have a pet but love them like they were one of their own. Who look at their animals and don't think of them as just pets but think of them as a daughter, son, sister, brother, etc. I'm extremely attached to Sierra, I have such a deep love for her. Don't get me wrong, I have a deep love for all my animals but there was a special connection with Sierra. I just knew she would make a wonderful mother and after feeling her babies move and speaking to them every night, I started to develop a bond with her unborn kittens. I couldn't wait to find them homes, to give them a chance to have a good, warm home. But now they don't get to have that chance, I have to put on a fake smile and pretend I'm having a great day at work when I feel like I'm dying. Everyone always says that there is a reason for everything, that there is a plan. This is why I always struggle with that response, what reason is there to end the life of an innocent baby, regardless of what species it is. That is still an innocent baby who now doesn't have the chance to live their life and change the life of their humans because there is some kind of plan at work. Well please tell me because those babies were alive this morning and now they're bodies are still, cold and lacking a soul. What reason is there for 4-6 little lives to be taken from this world? I just don't understand it!

Even if the reason is because the child's birth will kill the mother, I would still rather have whatever deity is up there to take my life and not my baby. I lived my life, I had my chance to make a difference now let my child have that chance. Or if the life was taken because both will die during the pregnancy and so might as well save none...don't! I'd rather be with my baby then go on knowing that I survived and my baby didn't even get to see the world. Why would he let a mother suffer like that? Why let her live with so much grief that she ends up taking her own life? Why cause her faith to be shaken because you took her baby's life because "everything happens for a reason." I just don't understand it.

Now, you're probably wondering how I failed... Well, I knew there was something wrong. My gut told me that something is wrong and I should have her taken to the pet hospital. Her kittens were alive this morning, I felt them, I saw them moving. She had blood and my gut said something is wrong, something happened. I bet that one of the placentas ruptured which killed the baby and then caused the others to die because they couldn't get out of the womb. But I doubted my instincts and told myself that I'm just over reacting. Because I doubted my instincts, 4-6 kittens are now dead. I didn't have my sister drive us to the pet hospital. Sierra had woken me up to let me know something was wrong but I doubted myself, I ignored my instincts and let my precious Sierra's babies die. I failed my cat, she would've been a wonderful mother and now she'll never have that chance again. She'll never have the chance to be a momma, I failed her and her kittens. I know that it's my fault and that's why this news is hitting me even harder than it normally would have. Our cat Cheyenne has had still born kittens before and yes I was upset and cried but I've never felt so depressed as I do right now. I just wish I could be home right now to cuddle her and let her know how sorry I am.

I don't know how to deal with these negative emotions, I don't yet know how to deal with negative feelings in a healthy manner. I'm not lying or being dramatic when I say I don't know how to handle this. I'm responsible for the death of 4-6 little kittens, I have so much guilt inside that it's weighing down on my heart. It makes me feel like I'm going to throw up. I can't even hope to make it up to my cat, how does one repay a life? Let alone repay the deaths of 4-6 little lives. My whole life will be spent attempting to repay the loss of Sierra's little kittens.