Problem in Love

Hey, how's it goin? So you're probably wondering about the oddball title and how this has to do with my weight loss mission. Well, i"m not so sure it really does have anything to do with the objective at hand but it's something that has been weighing on my mind and it's about time I wrote it down. Today I want to talk about love, it's been a topic that always strikes a nerve for me but that's why I need to get it out through my blog. I want a relationship, to be loved, supported and to be held in someone's arms and I want to give that same love back. I've known that I've always wanted a family, even when I was very young I knew that I wanted to be someone's wife, to have kids and raise them to make a difference in this world. It's not some recent thing that came out of nowhere, it's a want that I've had in my heart for a long time. However, in my particular case...I've never been in a relationship. Why? Because most men can't see past my weight, it's not like I can blame them. Most men aren't attracted to women who are overweight but I see women my size... women who are even bigger than I am that have a beautiful relationship. So, where's mine? Why don't I get to have a happily ever after? One never fully realizes just how unfair life can be, there are plenty of women who get to have a marriage and kids but they're just really bad people. Then there's me, I'm a good person, I have good morals, I'd give my life to save another, I'm great with kids, a good cook, I want to make my husband happy when he comes home (I'd of course expect the same courtesy), I love my family dearly, I'll stand by my friend's and family's side through thick and thin, I won't hesitate to speak up when there is an injustice, I'm usually the first person to hold the door open for you, the first to say hello, ask how your day is and genuinely mean it. Yet not once have I ever been in a relationship and seen for the beautiful person that I am (...at least on the inside...).

So a part of me thinks to myself, "maybe you're just meant to live your life alone, maybe you're not meant to have children." I mean everyone tells me that there is other ways to have kids, you don't need a man to be a mother. But the part that frustrates me most about that is the fact that they don't realize that I don't have those options. I don't have the money to be inseminated, artificial insemination usually costs $300-500 per attempt and the typical success rate is 10-20% (meaning 5-10 attempts may be required.) You also have to take into account the testing they will have to do to see why you are unable to conceive naturally, which could be another several hundred dollars. Then if you can go through with the insemination, you will have additional costs, such as: donor sperm being screened for sexually transmitted diseases, sperm washing, which is always necessary, can cost up to $100, ultrasounds which cost about $300 each, and your fertility drugs; they can cost as less as $100 or could cost up to thousands of dollars depending on the medication and the dosage. Just a rough guesstimate, not taking into account how much the tests cost, how much medication you take and without knowing how much the screening of the donor sperm is...that comes to at least $800 and that would probably be considered a good deal. So that option is completely out of the door for me. Then usually people will tell me,"well if you can't do that the you can always adopt." First off, the price of adoption varies and depending on how you adopt it can range from $0-30,000. Secondly, I would be single and it's extremely hard for a single mother or father to adopt a child. Most places don't even accept applications from individuals who are single and plan to raise the child alone. It is due to the belief that for proper growth and mental development, a child should be placed into a home with a mother and father. So there are often times when a single parents application (if accepted) will be put on the back burner while agencies look for a home with two parents.

Would you say that's fair? Because I sure don't think it is and I'm sure most of you are aware that for a couple it can take years before they can adopt. Agencies have to come in and do a home check to ensure that your home would be a safe and proper place for a baby to be raised. So if it can take years for a couple to adopt...the what about a single mother or father who wants that same thing, to be a parent and raise a beautiful child. I mean the cost alone can send hopeful people like me packing but then the bias of a child not developing properly in a single parent home isn't fair, that there should be two parents. With these kinds of prices and these kind of biases, it almost makes me want to go and be promiscuous and just get pregnant from a one night stand. Is that what it takes? I can't be in a relationship and have a child with the man I love (the preferred way I'd rather do things), I can't go and be inseminated and nor do I have the adoption to adopt. So my only option is just to go sleep around with strangers and hope I get lucky...?

But the thing is, despite how much I'd like to have a child and be a mother, I refuse to have a child with a man I do not love and I wouldn't want my child to grow up wondering why she doesn't have a father in her life. What do you tell your baby? Oh, well no one wanted to be in a relationship with your mommy so I decided that I'd do it all by myself. I mean it works for most people, they tell their babies, "because I wanted your precious soul in my life, I decided I would do whatever it takes (even if I have to do it alone) to find my little one." That sounds completely amazing to me but I know how many children growing up with a single parent feels. You're constantly looking around and seeing children who have both a mother and a father, you tend to always ask yourself why you don't have a dad but the other kids do, you tend to be the only child whose parent doesn't come to school to talk about their job because you're only parent has to work to feed you, keep a roof over your head and clothes on your back. Don't get me wrong, we love and admire our mothers and fathers who raised us all on their own but there is always that question...what if? What if I had a mom and dad? Would my mom be happier? Would we constantly worry about money? Would that emptiness I feel be filled? So many questions that could never be answered for a lot of kids.

That's why I feel like that I just couldn't do it alone, because I know the pain, fear and frustration of growing up with only one parent. Therefore, I don't think I could live with myself if I allowed my child to go through the same feelings that I had struggled with. So, I had decided a long time ago that if I was never to fall in love and marry that man I fell so deeply in love with then I wouldn't ever have a child. I only want to have a child with the man that I love, truly and deeply, and I want my child to have both parents in their life. If I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone then it'll be just like that...alone. I will not bring a child into my world of loneliness and force them to live like me, a pieces of themselves missing. Me without a partner who loves me with all of his heart (and whom I love with all of mine) and a child without a father who loves them with all of their heart. That makes for a very lonely life but it's alright... I can stand up again all by myself. Even if I'm all alone... I will survive.

Just because I'd be alone doesn't necessarily mean that I won't be happy in life, I can live alone and still be happy. I'm still learning on how I would do that because as of right now, the thought of not having that chance to be a mother and bring a child into this world kills me. So I still need time to adjust to the idea of never being a mother or a wife and allowing that to sink in. Once I do that then I can focus solely on my career and finding joy elsewhere. I can find joy in volunteering with animals and teaching children about art (which is my passion). Working in a field I love and getting to teach children (which is another passion of mine, I love working with kids) allows me to find joy in life and helps me in filling that piece of me that I know that I'll be losing. Even while writing this out and thinking about never having the chance to bring a baby into this world, I feel like a part of myself is slipping away and my heart feels like it's being weighed down.

I remember that I was told by a very dear friend that I was meant to be a mother, that I had such an incredible motherly instinct and that my love for kids was unmatched. She said that she knew, deep down in her heart, that I am supposed to be a mother to someone. That my job in life wasn't necessarily working with art or as an artist but was to raise and teach a beautiful child all about life. That I was meant to raise a child who would make a difference in the world because that's how I would raise my children. I would raise them with the knowledge and belief that they could do anything they set their mind to and that they could change the world for the better. I still believe that, that there are men and women in this world who were just meant to be mothers and fathers and that there are individuals who aren't meant to be.

Anyway, I'm still proud of myself. I have family and friends who can tell that I've lost weight which makes me really happy. Not only have I been losing weight ( therefore I will look good and feel better) I have also been fighting the urge to binge eat despite all these negative emotions that I'm struggling with. That in itself is an amazing accomplishment because that means I'm gaining control over my binge eating disorder and using my stubbornness to fight and take back my life.

Sorry again for the emotional blog post but it's not everyday that you can have that freedom to get such strong feelings off your chest. I'd also like to say thank you to one of my readers, I received an email from a very kind gentleman who assured me that everything will be okay and that I would make a wonderful wife. Then he informed me that anybody else who thinks otherwise is just blinded by their ignorance. It was wonderful to receive such nice words and to know that my posts are being read.

Talk to you soon!

Nothing wrong with wanting a family! ^.^

Update on the Cat

Hello again, I want to apologize for my depressing post yesterday. I probably should've waited until I was more clam, cool and collected. It's never wise to write when you have something fresh weighing on your shoulders.

Talk about crazy....

Yeah, yeah I'd say I seemed a little bit crazy at that point in time but hey a little crazy never hurt anyone. Besides, we all know that normal is highly over-rated... I am right!? Anyway, so my cat Sierra is doing much better than she was yesterday. She is still expelling excess blood from her uterus but she has an excellent appetite, she is drinking well and she is acting like a normal, happy cat. I think there was a part of me deep down inside that knew her kittens probably weren't going to survive long. The beginning portion of her pregnancy (a crucial part in any mother's time of pregnancy), Sierra was outside, had worms, she was emaciated and had no warm home. She hardly had any nutrients to care for herself let alone her 4-6 kittens. It's just so hard when you know that those kittens never got a chance to live their life.

But on the bright side, last night at 9:00PM Sierra had a beautiful little kitten who is the only survivor out of 5 others. She is a little calico with beautiful light coloring, she survived the night and and ate well this morning, she is also moving a lot more now. So, I'm hoping that she is going to live and be a healthy baby. The most crucial moment is right after the baby is born and drinks their mother's milk, besides the crying of course. We'll be keeping a close eye on her, especially the first week and see how she does.

Anyway, so it's been a real roller coaster of emotions these past couple of days and I'm happy to say that despite all the sadness...I haven't binged at all. I'm quite proud of myself for being able to handle my emotions in a more efficient and healthy manner.

I will be keeping all of you posted on the status of the baby kitten and will post pictures of her soon. Please keep this precious little soul in your thoughts and send her your love, she fought for her life now let's give her all the love and strength we can muster up to help her keep up that fight.

I failed... T^T

I'm struggling so hard right now! You see my family and I rescued an 8 month old kitten awhile ago and it turned out that she was pregnant. Today the beautiful calico we named Sierra went into labor this morning. However, I was informed by my mother that the kittens were nonviable, meaning that they weren't alive. When I received the news, I felt like I had just been shot through the heart or had it ripped out of my chest. I have a ginormous lump in my throat that's making it hard to breathe right now. Sierra was going to have 4-6 kittens, 4-6 little lives that never had the chance to live in this world, to feel the warmth of their momma, to be comforted by her. 4-6 innocent little souls that won't have the chance to explore the world. Anyone who is an animal lover knows exactly how it feels, those who have a pet but love them like they were one of their own. Who look at their animals and don't think of them as just pets but think of them as a daughter, son, sister, brother, etc. I'm extremely attached to Sierra, I have such a deep love for her. Don't get me wrong, I have a deep love for all my animals but there was a special connection with Sierra. I just knew she would make a wonderful mother and after feeling her babies move and speaking to them every night, I started to develop a bond with her unborn kittens. I couldn't wait to find them homes, to give them a chance to have a good, warm home. But now they don't get to have that chance, I have to put on a fake smile and pretend I'm having a great day at work when I feel like I'm dying. Everyone always says that there is a reason for everything, that there is a plan. This is why I always struggle with that response, what reason is there to end the life of an innocent baby, regardless of what species it is. That is still an innocent baby who now doesn't have the chance to live their life and change the life of their humans because there is some kind of plan at work. Well please tell me because those babies were alive this morning and now they're bodies are still, cold and lacking a soul. What reason is there for 4-6 little lives to be taken from this world? I just don't understand it!

Even if the reason is because the child's birth will kill the mother, I would still rather have whatever deity is up there to take my life and not my baby. I lived my life, I had my chance to make a difference now let my child have that chance. Or if the life was taken because both will die during the pregnancy and so might as well save none...don't! I'd rather be with my baby then go on knowing that I survived and my baby didn't even get to see the world. Why would he let a mother suffer like that? Why let her live with so much grief that she ends up taking her own life? Why cause her faith to be shaken because you took her baby's life because "everything happens for a reason." I just don't understand it.

Now, you're probably wondering how I failed... Well, I knew there was something wrong. My gut told me that something is wrong and I should have her taken to the pet hospital. Her kittens were alive this morning, I felt them, I saw them moving. She had blood and my gut said something is wrong, something happened. I bet that one of the placentas ruptured which killed the baby and then caused the others to die because they couldn't get out of the womb. But I doubted my instincts and told myself that I'm just over reacting. Because I doubted my instincts, 4-6 kittens are now dead. I didn't have my sister drive us to the pet hospital. Sierra had woken me up to let me know something was wrong but I doubted myself, I ignored my instincts and let my precious Sierra's babies die. I failed my cat, she would've been a wonderful mother and now she'll never have that chance again. She'll never have the chance to be a momma, I failed her and her kittens. I know that it's my fault and that's why this news is hitting me even harder than it normally would have. Our cat Cheyenne has had still born kittens before and yes I was upset and cried but I've never felt so depressed as I do right now. I just wish I could be home right now to cuddle her and let her know how sorry I am.

I don't know how to deal with these negative emotions, I don't yet know how to deal with negative feelings in a healthy manner. I'm not lying or being dramatic when I say I don't know how to handle this. I'm responsible for the death of 4-6 little kittens, I have so much guilt inside that it's weighing down on my heart. It makes me feel like I'm going to throw up. I can't even hope to make it up to my cat, how does one repay a life? Let alone repay the deaths of 4-6 little lives. My whole life will be spent attempting to repay the loss of Sierra's little kittens.

Ringing the Dinner Bell!

Helllllloooo! The dinner bell is ringing and it's time I provided a delicious recipe or two to share with all of you! So, instead of me just rambling on lets hit the ground running. The first recipe that I have for you today is a very easy one but it'll be great to make for a picnic or possibly something that you can bring to a family reunion or maybe a bbq...you get the idea.

Awwww... how cute!? Hey Kat, why don't you go on romantic picnics?

Ok...first off, that's none of your business! Second... *silence* Kat? .....Hellllloooo? *continued silence* Ok.... I'm sorry! Please stop being quiet...it's creepy! Yup! That's how you do it, ain't nothing scarier than an angry woman staring at you in complete silence. Anyway, here is the first recipe...

Fruit Salad with Lemon-Lavender Syrup

• 1/4 cup sugar (or other sweetner)
• 1/2 cup water
• 2 Tbsp. lemon juice
• 1 Tbsp. fresh lavender buds (or 1/2 Tbsp. dried lavender buds)
• 5-7 lbs stone fruit (such as apricots, peaches, cherries, etc.), chopped 

In a small sauce pan, mix sugar, water, and lemon juice then bring to a simmer over medium heat. Stir to dissolve sugar. Add lavender buds and simmer 1-2 minutes more. Remove from heat and set aside. Let steep for at least 15 minutes. Mix fruit in a large bowl and drizzle with lemon-lavender syrup. Refrigerate at least 1 hour or up to 1-2 days. 

I decided that for this post, the theme is going to be BBQ/Picnic. So basically anything that you would want to take to a picnic or cookout. The next recipe I am providing is a great option to dip your chips in.

White Bean Basil Hummus

• 1 can cannellini beans, rinsed and drained. 
• 2 cloves garlic.
• 2 Tsp. balsamic vinegar.
• 1 Tbsp. tahini. 
• 1/2 Tsp. sea salt.
• 1/4 Tsp. freshly ground pepper, plus more for garnish.
• 2 Tbsp. extra virgin olive oil, plus more for garnish.
• 1 lemon, juiced.
• Handful of fresh basil leaves, plus more for garnish.

Blend all ingredients, except basil, in a food processor until smooth (about 3 minutes), scraping down sides when necessary. Garnish with additional basil leaves, olive oil and freshly ground pepper.

Next I have another sweet and savory side that anyone would love to have at a cookout. Trust me when I say, you'll be scoring big points with this recipe.

 Mini Corn Dog Muffins

• 1/2 cup melted butter.
• 1/2 cup sugar.
• 2 eggs.
• 1 cup buttermilk.
• 1/2 Tsp. baking soda.
• 1 cup gluten free cornmeal
• 1 cup all purpose flour (gluten free, if desired).
• 1/2 Tsp. salt.
• 8-10 all beef hot dogs, cut into 1" bites.

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Combine butter and sugar in a bowl then whisk to combine. Add eggs then whisk to incorporate, then add buttermilk and whisk. In a separate bowl, combine baking soda, cornmeal, flour and salt then stir to combine ingredients.Add dry to wet mixture, whisk in two batches. Spray a mini muffin tin with non-stick cooking spray then spoon 1 Tbsp. of the batter into each muffin cup. Place one hot dog bite into the middle of each cup. Bake for 8-12 minutes or until cornbread is golden brown. Cool in mini muffin tin for 5 minutes before serving.Store leftovers in the refrigerator then re-heat for 20-30 seconds before serving.

Well the dinner bell has rung and I sincerely hope that you all enjoyed these delicious recipes! Next time you have a picnic or a cookout that you're attending, try out these recipes...I bet your friends and family will just love it!

See You Tomorrow!

Did you miss me? ;)

Hello, it's been such a long time since my last post and I'm excited to be writing to you all again! I've been staying strong and keeping with my mission of self-improvement. I will say that it has been extremely hard to keep up with the exercising and putting a stop to the binge eating habits. I haven't stopped the eating habits completely since it is quite difficult to stop, as I have mentioned before in an earlier post, those who have binge eating disorder have a lack of self-control. On top of the lack of self-control, I don't have the option of working with a counselor who is better able to help you recognize your triggers and how to work through your binge episodes. However, I have been losing some pounds and all without a counselor. I have been working through my episodes and learning how to recognize my triggers all on my own.

The part I still struggle with is the lack of self-control, it's still difficult even when you are aware a binge episode is about to occur. You begin to convince yourself that one little treat won't hurt or maybe two...maybe even three, you can just work it off later on. I feel that many who have this disorder know what I'm talking about. This is a part of that lack of self-control, when you are at war with your own conscience. Because I self-hate on my body, there is that little voice inside of my head that keeps saying, "Go ahead and eat! You're already super fat and ugly, there isn't any chance of you finding love or having a family! So, you might as well eat! It feels better when you eat, right? Don't you want all that pain and hurt to go away?" See what I'm talking about, it's a voice that reinforces your self-loathing and re-starts the vicious cycle for emotional eating.

I have been especially struggling these past few weeks, a desperate fight against depression and anger. I find myself getting overwhelmed when I listen to a romantic song, watch a romantic movie, or even just going swimming. I absolutely love to swim, when I'm in the water I feel like it's the one place where I can think, a place where I don't have to think about all that's wrong. But now I feel like I'm slowly losing that safety net because all I see are families, cute couples holding each other close and telling each other again and again how much they love one another. That just kills me inside, I become depressed and angry which are negative emotions.

Ever since I have gained better control over my bingeing and have been working out, I have lost a total of 7 lbs so far. Yet I still find myself angry and depressed, why? I believe there is a multitude of reasons. 1st, I think because there was just so much damage from all the bullying in high school and the self-hating of my body. 2nd, because of the lack of self-control I had come to hate myself as a person, I felt like I was a horrible human being. 3rd, because of the hate I have for my body I ended up convincing myself that no one would ever love me, that all they would see is the size of my body and not who I am as a person. And I still have myself convinced of that and because I want to take back my life, I can't eat to comfort myself. I can't eat away those negative feelings to have myself feeling whole again.

I find it hard to explain but when I'm feeling sad, anxious, angry, lonely, etc., I binge to forget those feelings, to comfort myself. Even though it just creates more negative feelings, (guilt, regret, hatred toward one's body, etc.) I still had the option to binge and feel happy again. Now that I'm learning to stop the bingeing, I now have the challenge of dealing with these negative emotions in a healthy manner. I think that may be one of the biggest challenges for anyone who suffers from binge eating disorder. It's learning what your triggers are, how to get through an episode without bingeing and learning how to deal with those feelings in a healthy way.

I have been looking online at ways to deal with negative feelings, many sites suggest engaging in creative activities; examples of such activities include journaling, drawing, painting, singing, etc. I have also read that it is important to learn how to open up and communicate your feelings and thought processes. It's best to find a counselor, you may also talk to family and friends who can suggest a counselor to you. Remember to keep an open mind, especially when you begin to experience negative emotions. Keeping an open mind will help you observe what exactly is motivating those feelings. Be open with your counselor (when you do find one), you don't need to be worried about making your therapist believe that you're a "normal" person. If you are not honest about the way you feel and the way you think then your counselor can not help you. Also, don't be afraid to ask your therapist questions. As I mentioned above, you can talk to a friend or family member. If you're wanting to express feelings about something they have done to hurt you then approach them in a calm manner, ask if you can talk with them and state that there is something that you would like to get off your chest. Many websites state to avoid confronting someone when you're already angry, that will send whomever you're trying to talk to into a defensive mode and they will most likely give you a taste of your own medicine.When you do confront someone and are trying to express your feelings, it is extremely important to remember to listen to them. It's easy to talk over someone when you're upset which could lead to misunderstandings and potentially the issue not being cleared up. I found this site to have many helpful tips and if you would like to read about more tips, click on this link. 3 Ways to Express your Emotional Pain... The Healthy Way

I'm sorry that this post isn't as "comedic" like my posts normally are but I needed to express my pain not just for myself but for all who are suffering as well. It doesn't have to be a binge eating disorder, you don't even have to be clinically diagnosed. Providing the link to this site is for anyone who struggles with expressing negative emotions. I encourage you to read the page and look for other websites that give helpful advice.

These are pictures from my favorite anime, Fairy Tail, this show has many wonderful lessons that one should take to heart and never forget!