Brandon the Magnificent!

Hello all! It is time for another post from your favorite gorgeous tragedy, Kat! Today's post is a very special one and one where I will be talking about a specific person who has taught me a very meaningful lesson. This person, this man has shown courage and pushed aside his fear to share his story. Now it's time to reveal the identity of this special guest...

Kotetsu!? ...alright then...

*sigh* No, it's not Kotetsu but he does remind me of our post's special guest. This man is a security guard at the museum and has been through a lot. He recently posted on his Facebook wall, sharing the pain he's suffered with for the past month or so. I don't know the details of what happened to him to cause him such pain but I know it's something that has taken a toll on him. To be perfectly honest, a part of me knew that he was hurting or that something had occurred in his past which caused his pain. It was his eyes that gave him away, there was so much emotion in his eyes that really made me want to give him the biggest hug ever! However, I hadn't talked with him very often so I felt like that would just be odd. "Hey, I know we haven't talked much and you probably don't know what my name is but you look like you need a hug." Yeah, I'm sure that is going to go over real well...

So, I didn't say anything and just left it alone. I mean if it was something that occurred in the past I didn't want to bring it up and then be forcing him to re-live it all. But I didn't realize just how much he was suffering until I read his post. I read every line and each word hit me like a ton of bricks because I knew exactly how he felt. Well, I can't say "exactly" since I have no idea what he is dealing with. But as I had told him, I do know pain and I know what it's like to feel like you're drowning. I know what it's like to feel so smothered that you can't breathe, the times where you are trying so hard to hide your pain that you literally feel sick. I have felt it and I know how hard it can be to talk about your feelings with everyone.

That was one of the hardest things for me to do, talk about my feelings with my family and friends. I wanted to be strong for them, I didn't want them to suffer because of my pain. So, I locked my heart away and cried on my own. I kept telling myself, "It's alright... I can stand up again all by myself, even if I'm all alone... I will survive." I was just reinforcing my silence by telling myself that I don't need anyone, I can handle it all by myself. But I was wrong, you can't survive the fight alone. And it's okay to ask for help so you can get through the pain. And that is exactly what Brandon did, he made his pain known, he was finally able to talk about the pain he has been suffering with. That alone proves that he is on the right track, and things are only going to get better because he now has a strong support system. He has friends, family, and co-workers who will not hesitate to give him a shoulder to cry on.

Brandon really is a magnificent person, his post reminded me to let others in and ask for help. That I can't stay silent about my pain, his post reminded me of why I held on for so long. My grip will not weaken, I will hold onto my life. My story isn't over, it's only just beginning and so is Brandon's. A new chapter in his life is starting, a chapter of healing and happiness that he deserves. Brandon is not a good man, he is a great man! I know this for a fact, he helped me get through a panic attack which I was so grateful for. He didn't judge me, he just kept me company and told me that I was fine and that I can take my time. Just that small little comment means the world because that gives me reassurance that I have control. I can decide how much time I need to calm down, I don't have to rush... I can take MY time.

Despite all the wonderful things Brandon's post has reminded me of and has done for me, his courage will help countless others. It's not just me his courage is reaching, there are others who have opened up to him about their own pain, others that have taken inspiration from this act of bravery. That is why I wanted to write about him in today's post, because it's an act that we all can learn from. If you're struggling in life, don't remain silent! Speak up and talk about your own story, you're not alone in this world! There are so many good and kind people who will stop what they're are doing and listen to what you have to say. People who will hold you in their arms and tell you that everything is going to be okay, people who will remind you to hold on to your life. Not only does speaking up bring loving, supportive people to your side but it also inspires others to seek out that same support.

Brandon, if you ever read this post I want you to know that every word, every thought is genuine. I will be eternally grateful to your courage because I know now that I can be courageous too. That me speaking up about my own story and sharing it with the world will not only make a difference in my life but in others as well. You really are a great man and deserve to be happy, to have someone that is going to give you so much love without expecting anything in return. Someone who wants to help you just because they can, because they know it'll help bring you one step closer to being happy. Again, thank you for having the courage to share your story!

Double thumbs up to you for being so awesome!

 And so ends another post by Kat, I hope you all cried... tears of happiness because that's how awesome this post is! I'll be writing again soon, See You Tomorrow!

Is the rubber band helping?

"....whhhyyyy?...."

I know what you're thinking, "Oh my god, she's back...," but no need to worry. Things aren't as emotional today and thanks to the rubber band technique, I didn't have a panic attack while riding the bus! How amazing is that, I had only just started to utilize this technique and it's already helping me out a lot. I'm thinking that as I continue to utilize this tool, I will be able to stop hating and being so hard on myself, helping with my disorganized speech/thoughts and will reinforce good positive thinking/behavior. 

For those of you who aren't familiar with the rubber band technique, I will explain but it's super easy and simple. 

"That looks like it hurts... why would you do that to yourself?"

 A good question, one does this to adjust/correct a behavior or way of thinking. In my case I self-hate a lot, by using this technique I can stop this hateful talk and instead replace it with a positive comment about myself. I am using this for a number of reasons, first the disorganized speech which is interfering with my performance at work, the panic attacks, the binge eating, and of course the self-hating. At any point throughout the day, if I start to hate on myself, feel anxious, trip over my words or have the urge to eat, I will snap the band on my wrist. This is creating a negative association with the bad behavior and then I need to replace the negative with a positive behavior. So let's say while working on this blog I start to think to myself, "You're stupid, there's no way anything is going to change." That is when I snap the rubber band on my wrist and tell myself, "No, you're smart and loving, you are going to turn over a new leaf and things are going to get better!" 

And I must say that it has been quite useful so far, I've used it already when I start to stumble over my words or when my brain gets stuck and it works! Though I will say, depending on who you are and how your body reacts to it, the rubber bands bruises the inside of my wrist quite easily. But then again, I was snapping the rubber band all day yesterday due to anxiety concerning my work review coming up.I ended up re-doing my self-assessment form after I had received the concern about my disorganized speech. I then felt that my previous ratings were too high, which the majority was 3 (only average). None of my ratings went above a 3 but after receiving a talk with my supervisor, I convinced myself that I wasn't worthy of my 3 rating. Don't get me wrong I still have a couple of 3's but the majority is now 2's which is below average but not a 1, the failed rating. Perhaps I was too hard on myself, maybe the majority shouldn't have even been 3's since I do try to go above and beyond for not just my customers but for my fellow employees. Maybe I'm trying too hard...I think I'm trying to hard to prove to my supervisors that I can be an employee that they can count on. 

Most often I don't feel like my supervisors even like me let alone believe that they can count on me. This makes me feel like I'm not doing enough or that I'm a disappointment to them. Either way, it's making me super stressed. But it's not just that, I feel like none of my co-workers really like me. However, I've only been working here for 3 and a half months, so I don't expect to be close with anyone yet. I have even been invited out by some of my colleagues but I've never gone, I always just give some excuse as to why I can't go. The problem is that I feel like I'd be the third wheel, that I'd have nothing exciting to talk to them about (you know, lack of social life and all), and that they only invited me as a courtesy kind of thing. That is something that I have to correct as well, me jumping to conclusions and assuming the worst in people.   

All in all, I have to say that I am thoroughly impressed with how well this technique is working so far and I would recommend it to anyone else who is trying to correct negative behavior/thinking. I had tried other things and it just hadn't work for me, so anyone who has tried and been unsuccessful so far...consider giving this a try. I'm not saying it works for everyone nor that it's going to have quick results. Correcting a behavior/thought that has become normal for someone is difficult to transform into one that is positive. That is why I will say again, that this will take time. Don't expect to see results in a couple of days and stay with it. If you stop because you aren't seeing the results then you probably won't ever see them. Any kind of treatment, whether it's with a rubber band, medication, etc, is going to take time to start having a noticeable effect.

This treatment also works well for anyone who has problems swearing at home, public or at work. If you curse, simply snap the band against your wrist and replace the swear word with a more appropriate show of frustration, pain, sadness, etc. 

"Whoa, language! She doesn't need a rubber band but a muzzle might do."

Yeah, if you're this bad when it comes to cursing...well you might be out of luck....

Hypothyroidism

For today, I want to discuss Hypothyroidism which is what I believe to possess. It was already made clear to me from my mother that I probably have either Hyper or Hypothyroidism. She stated that she had already suspected because I tend to do the same thing as she does when I try and explain something but I ramble on and on, stumble over my words, or I switch from one topic to another frequently. This is referred to as disorganized speech: fragmented thinking, trouble concentrating and/or maintaining a train of thought. She said that because I'm displaying the same mental symptoms, she is 90% certain that I have hypothyroidism. But I still had my slight hope that, "I've never been tested so I'm sure I don't have it, that's just my personality." However, recently I was made aware by my employer that this has become an issue for some of our customers. Mostly because my train of thought will ramble on and on because I'm lacking that cue to stop and dial it down. Therefore, it appears to my supervisors that I'm being unprofessional with the customers. This hit me really hard because I'm so proud of my job and I love working here and I don't want to risk being fired because of this.

So I decided to do a little research on this so that I may better understand this condition. I display all symptoms of Hypothyroidism, not even half of the symptoms...all of the symptoms. I have the weight gain, the reoccurring depression, inability to concentrate, memory problems, hair thinning, anxiety, irritability, and etc. It hit me even harder because I do not have health insurance and therefore can not go and take the tests to find out for sure if I have it or not all because I can not afford it. I have been struggling with this and trying to figure out how to control the disorganized speech but haven't had any luck. But because it's now interfering with my performance at work, I am desperate to find a way to deal with it. What I am now trying is the rubber band method, basically you wear a rubber band on your wrist and if the undesired behavior begins to occur you snap the band to relate a negative feeling with the behavior. Therefore when my brain gets stuck or rambles on, I will use the rubber band as my cue to move along or stop. I'm hoping that this will help with my performance at work because I really do love working at the museum.

I think that the rubber band technique will not only help with the disorganized speech but will also help me when I'm upset, angry, or anxious while I'm at work. However, since I have a performance review coming up I've found myself to be even more anxious and panicked. I keep having this thought in the back of my mind that review is going to be poor and I'm going to be let go and replaced. That's one of the reasons why I need to find out for sure if I do have Hypothyroidism or not, because I believe it is illegal for them to fire me because of psychological symptoms that are common in individuals that have Hypothyroidism.

Another part of me has been worried because I feel that my supervisors think I'm just giving them a psychological reason for it so I won't be fired or get into trouble. But I know I shouldn't be worried because I am telling them the truth, I'm not self-diagnosing and saying I do have this but that there is a chance that I most likely have it since I display all symptoms and I have medical family history of thyroid disorders. Yet despite me knowing that I am telling them the truth, it doesn't make me worry any less which is probably why my hair has thinned out quite a bit. Which only makes things worse since I already have self-esteem issues and have convinced myself that I'll never fall in love, never get married, and never have children. So everything is just starting to pile up on top of one another and I can't physically stop it, I can't control this and that drives me crazy. I hate not having control over something. Don't misinterpret that statement, I'm not controlling and want everything to do what I want, I just feel comforted knowing that if something goes wrong I have the ability to fix or prevent it.

Yup...You're loca, chika!

Okay, I am not crazy but I guess I can see how I could possibly come across that way. However, it still doesn't make it right to call me crazy! Geez, sometimes this caption character can be so rude! Anyway, I'm going to keep my fingers crossed and hope that the rubber band technique will help me keep in control until I can get proper treatment for this.

Thanks for letting me post about my worries/troubles and for being so understanding. Like I always try to say in my posts, please be encouraging to your friends and family who are struggling with any of these kinds of issues: weight gain, self-esteem, depression, anxiety, etc., etc. I'm sure you're all aware how difficult it can be to tackle these kinds of issues alone, so please make sure anyone you know that is having a hard time knows that you're there for them. That they are not alone and will always have someone to lean on for support.

See You Tomorrow!

Human Wolf....Spotted!

Attention, a human wolf has been spotted in Ohio, around Downtown Akron, running in and out of traffic!

Where is there any traffic in this picture?

I'm just messing with you, there obviously aren't any werewolves running around through the streets of Downtown Akron...but how cool would that be!? Anyway, the purpose of this post is just to elaborate on why my blog is now titled "Life of a Human Wolf." I would first like to say that I'm obviously a human and I don't believe myself to be anything different. But the wolves are my favorite animal and I have learned so much from the wolf. At times I'd say that I have the personality/behavior like that of a wolf. I treat my family as my pack, I will defend them with my life and I'm loyal through thick and thin. It's not just me who thinks I display their behavior either, my best friend and my family members have said that I'm like the pup watcher of the family. The pup watcher, as I'm sure most of you know, is the wolf in the pack that watches the young pups of the other wolves when they are away. The pup watcher is usually the 1st to teach the pups about survival and is usually considered one of the most aggressive wolves in the pack. Why? They watch all the pups, developing a bond, and when someone threatens the pack...they're threatening the lives of each one of her pups.

I'd say I fit that description, I absolutely adore children and at family gatherings...9 times out of 10 I am the one watching and entertaining the children. To the children, I'm like a big kid who still likes to play and have fun but is responsible and demonstrates good life lessons in my games. A good example is the game "Ghost in the Graveyard," basically there is one child who is the ghost hunter and the rest of the children are the ghosts in the graveyard. The point of the game is that when the "ghost hunter" is not looking at you, the children that are the "ghosts" dance around and make faces at the "hunter." If the "hunter" catches you moving, then you're the new "ghost hunter." The lesson I share with the children is this: There will always be someone who talks or makes fun of you behind your back and you won't always know who it is. You can look and look all day long but once you look their way, they will put on an act. They pretend that they aren't doing anything, that they haven't done anything to hurt you in any way. However, when the "ghost" is caught by the "hunter" and they're it, this symbolizes that those who do wrong will receive their just desserts. Whatever you send out will come right back to you, three times as worse. This is what we call...karma. Now that the previous "ghost" is the new "hunter," they now know how much it hurts to have someone making fun of you behind you're back.

Moving along, I've always referred to the children I watch often as my own kids. I've never once said, "my cousin's kids;" they've always been "my kids." Because that's how often I watch them, that's how deep a bond I have with each of them. If anyone ever tried to hurt them, you can guarantee that the protective wolf in me would come out and let their attackers have it. I also find myself desiring the freedom to live in the forest, away from civilization, to live with just my family. I also find that I prefer the night rather than day. During the day, I find I'm less active and excited when the sun goes down and I can see the moon. I would definitely say I'm far more active at night, it gets so bad sometimes that I'm up throughout the entire night and sleepy during the day.

There are several more factors as to why I'd say my personality is closer to a wolf than anything else in nature. I wouldn't even say my behavior would be considered "normal" to most people. Whenever my best friend would try to wake me in the morning, I'd always growl in my sleep and turn away from her. She'd always yell at me to "stop that growling and get out of bed." I always thought she was joking when she'd tell me that I'd growl at her. But I realized she was being completely honest, one day we were sitting in the dining hall at our college (mind you, I always get frustrated when she's right and I know I'm wrong) and without even realizing it, I was growling at her because I was frustrated with her. She pointed it out to me, "hey, you're growling at me again... I told you that you growl at me." It wasn't just her but some of my classmates noticed that I'd growl when I'm frustrated with anything. I was working on a project for a class and was so frustrated with it, I had my arms on the table (folded across one another) and my head set on top. I just sat there staring at the project and was quietly growling but it was loud enough for my classmate to hear. She then asked, "Why are you growling at your project?" I snapped back to it and glanced over to her, "what are you talking about? I'm not growling." And there are several more occasions where this occurred...

Anyway, I also have a strong bond with the wolf. It is the wolf that has helped me through so much and has allowed me to better myself as a person. I have learned several lessons from the wolf and that is probably why my personality/behavior is similar to a wolf. I have been influenced by them, by their behaviors in dealing with family, strangers and all kinds of different situations. I'm glad that I am so attached to the wolf and that this beautiful creature has become my favorite animal and wise teacher.

So to reiterate, I am in fact a human but a human whose life has been influenced/changed by the wolf. So much so that my behavior reflects that of a wolf, which is why this blog is titled, "Life of a Human Wolf." I realize that this sounds strange and I certainly don't blame you if you don't understand but I do expect that you give me the respect I deserve as I will do the same for you.